Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Like the rest of the millennials you know, you’ll spend the next few days trying to like Radiohead’s surprise album, “A Moon Shaped Pool.” Despite a first listening that caused you physical pain, your years of experience being a white kid who over-romanticizes British culture will force you to play it on repeat until you find some part of it pleasant. After chronicling the two-week experience on a widely shared blog post, you will ultimately be offered a management position at Pitchfork.com
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Sleep will elude you as you deal with a “lower body” issue (rash) because it will itch. Only the balm of time will cure it, so you take to watching infomercials at 3 a.m. By sunrise, you’ll have purchased a new nonstick pan, a knife sharp enough to cut through the pan and a gun, because that’s something you can do now. The excitement will fade when your new purchases arrive and you find out the gun doesn’t fire, food sticks to the pan and the knife is really just a stick.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be alarmed during a forthcoming hospital stay (you’ll be fine) when the jello serve at lunch is spicy. The new “Buffalo-flavored” jello will be more than off-putting, and will cause you to heave the contents of your stomach. Your body’s need to flush the disgusting concoction from your system will result in a longer hospital stay and a visit from a priest. Long story short, Bill Cosby stuck the knife in, and Buffalo sauce twisted it. You’ll never eat jello again.
Leo (7/23-8/2 3) — A new vegan grocery store will open across the street from your home and you’ll be delighted. You’ll sample the various nutritious offerings and load up on products like black bean brownies and sponge cake made with real sponge, instead of that disgusting milk and eggs. You’ll feel great about the store until you meet some of the clientele. But repeated visits will trigger your long-repressed fear of beards, hemp everything and summertime wool caps. In a moment of panic you’ll burn the place down.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — A tongue-in-cheek Mother’s Day gift for your wife will quickly become the worst thing ever when she decides to watch season one of “Full House” on repeat for an entire month. To avoid the sugary-sweet sitcom, you’ll begin to spend more late nights at the office, eventually pitching a tent and sleeping there. Unfortunately for you, the wife and children won’t notice your absence because of their Danny Tanner-induced stupor. You’re in big trouble, mister.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll get a new job as a youth pastor, and in an effort to be cool with a group of high school kids at church, you’ll begin substituting numbers for letters in your texts, social media posts and the church newsletter. Things will get really confusing for the kids when you tell them to read T1TU5 1:1S before youth group one night. Even worse, you’ll accidentally uncover U.S. missile codes when typing out the church bulletin, eventually forcing the world into a nuclear winter.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A long-suffering Cubs fan, you’ll be amazed at how good your beloved team is this season. After a four-game sweep of the Nationals, you’ll sell your car, forgo paying bills and use the extra money to purchase World Series tickets. You’ll book flights and schedule time off work for the games, which you’re sure will be historic. One day next week, you’ll wake up and realize you are actually a Braves fan with no money, no car and a stack of eviction notices.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Hot in pursuit of an international conspiracy theory, you’ll grow concerned about anomalies in your daily routine. Are you hearing common static on your call or did the FBI tap your phone? Has that Yukon been following you all the way from Baldwin County? That server is a little too attentive, are they gathering intel on your dinner guest? Turns out all of the above will be true, but the reptilian humanoids currently ruling over the global economy will conveniently dodge exposure after you’re whisked to a CIA black site and treated with a neuralyzer.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You will do a slow clap for Alabama after legislators manage to complete a lawmaking session without thrusting the state into absolute anarchy. Sure, the governor is under investigation, the House speaker is heading to trial and the chief justice has been suspended from the bench, but Foosackly’s is still serving a hot-ass box of chicken and sauce for less than a Hamilton. If things stay this good, you may reward them with a smiley face sticker in 2017.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You will Google search “Dead Confederate” after a fleeting thought of, “whatever happened to that indie band I heard once on somebody’s iTunes playlist in a college town in 2011?” Turns out they’ve been inflicted by the ubiquitous “hiatus” since 2013. Out of reverence, you’ll incorporate “Run From the Gun” into your karaoke rotation. Hearing it for the first time and mistaking it for a new single from Cage the Elephant, mainstream radio stations will propel it into the Top 10 charts.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Now that America’s primary season is almost over, you’ll begin to accept the fact that the only options left in the race to lead your beloved country are Hillary Clinton and Donald J. Trump. A bitter pill to swallow for anyone, the reality will weigh even heavier on you for the years you’ve defended the two-party system. Eventually you’ll be forced to consider a third-party alternative. Though a flaming pile of garbage never appealed to your political disposition before, the 2016 election will leave no better alternative. #flamingpileofgarbage2016
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be greatly concerned after the attorney representing you in a DUI case is himself arrested for DUI in a nearby county. Though the incident would seem to be a professional setback, this attorney — ever the professional — will use it to your advantage. “Ladies and gentlemen, this man was not that drunk, and I would know!” he’ll say to the jury. Yes, ultimately you’ll win your case, but in preparation for his own pending trial, the attorney will personally decide to raise his fees exponentially.