Cancer (6/22-7/22) — The cockroach problem at your short-term rental has gotten out of control. Confused by their proliferation in the absence of an accessible food supply and in the wake of heavy chemical combat, you surmise they’re simply attracted by the comfort of the air-conditioned environment. You’ll find a can of RAID to be much more effective combined with the flame from a cigarette lighter. Your resulting roofless and charred abode will be the opposite of energy efficient, but you enjoy the brief sanctity of a habitat devoid of all life.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Your patience is stretched thin after being subjected to endless cell phone videos of wanna-be dancers urging you to watch them as they “whip” and “nae-nae.” About the same time you view your 6,000th “stanky leg” this week, you go Tonya Harding on the world and start assaulting every kneecap you encounter. You’ll be stripped of your competitive athletic titles but a sympathetic jury will spare you a prison sentence. There’s a future for you in repulsive pornography.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After watching a trailer for the new Marvel film “Ant-Man,” you become convinced there is a miniature supervillain in your dryer. In an effort to get off the hook for doing laundry, you’ll tell your wife “Mini-Man” shoots you with his tiny laser blaster when you open the laundry room door. Your wife will laugh if off at first, but she will send you to the loony bin when you dress up in a cardboard cosplay get-up and call yourself “Mighty-Man: The Laundry Defender.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — The Comic-Con footage from “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” gets you so excited you’ll spend your weekend watching the previous six Star Wars films. The poor quality of Episodes I through III causes you to become violently ill. You’ll barely survive “The Phantom Menace,” and by the end of “Attack of the Clones,” you are a violent, angry man covered in Cheeto dust and sweat. Halfway through “Revenge of the Sith,” you’ll attempt ritual suicide with your son’s plastic Qui-Gon Jinn lightsaber.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When a judge retires in Baldwin County, you’ll throw your name in the hat to fill the vacancy. You don’t have a law degree, but your two years of interdisciplinary studies at Alabama should be enough to get you in the top three, you think. You’ve never been in a courtroom, aside from that time you got busted for shooting water balloons at teenagers on the beach that one summer. But you judge people all the time, so why not get paid for it?
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Your boy Barack Obama is going to come through this week and commute the long-standing drug sentence you’ve been serving over the past 20 years. After nearly two decades in prison for holding a moderate amount of marijuana, you’ll use your newfound freedom to take in all the ways Mobile has changed. At first, you’ll be pleased by some of the new developments in West Mobile, but after a few minutes of pulling your hair out on Airport Boulevard, you’ll realize that sometimes progress isn’t good.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After hearing about the new regulations being placed on the ride-booking service Uber, you’ll applaud the Mobile City Council for dedication to protecting its citizens from callous corporations. You’ll feel relieved knowing that a driver won’t be able to transverse the numerous acid tanks, coal piles and oil pipelines that surround the Mobile’s unique natural resources without proper insurance. At the end of the day, you’ll be thankful for a governing body that prioritizes the public’s needs over the wants of big business.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With the best of intentions, you’ll craft a meticulous text message letting your spouse know that the movie you invited them to without thinking is actually “more a friends kinda thing.” You’ll spend around an hour typing and retyping the words but they’ll pretty much always a bit rude. Eventually, you’ll send a text that reads, “there’s been a fire, will call you later,” which you’ll swear afterwards seemed like a good plan at the time. As a result of that selfishness, the next few movies you catch will be seen from the couch you’re sleeping on.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll soon make the wise decision to attend a Mobile County garage sale. While you’ll find plenty of bargains, you’ll also find a few ripoffs. For one, the governing body is selling a replica Confederate battle flag for about $20 million. You’ll think that’s high, but with Obama focusing on flags before taking your guns, you’ll pull the trigger on the purchase. To sweeten the deal, commissioners will throw in a free copy of “Robert’s Rules of Order.”
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In a shocking turn of events, future President Donald Trump will declare the moon the 51st state because he’s “big on cheese.” Upon discovering that there is no cheese on the moon, Trump will turn the new lunar acquisition into a penal colony. Many years will pass before the colony sparks a war for independence. The conflict ends in a ceasefire, which results in the colony receiving congressional representation. Meanwhile, Puerto Rico is still in a severe drought. Poor Puerto Rico.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be forced to resign from your job at a fast-growing social media site when you mix up characters from Star Wars and that other, crappier, TV-based science fiction franchise. You’ll try to apologize to the country’s nerds, but the damage will have already been done. Ironically, the only job you’ll be offered after your resignation is one where you’re forced to dress like a Wookie and stand on the curb to draw customers into a local carpet-cleaning service.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — A psychiatrist enlisted as an expert witness at your attempted murder trial testifies that your act of calculated violence can be attributed to a rare case of “reverse going postal.” The employee of the U.S. Postal Service you victimized actually brought it upon himself, the testimony suggested, by making a habit of delivering small, personal packages daily to the same single bathroom stall reserved for you and the office men. Your supporters in the courtroom engage in a silent social media protest anchored by the hashtag #occupystallstreet.