Libra (9/23-10/22) — Scared by the abundance of squirrels in Bienville Square since Hurricane Sally took down a number of trees, you’ll organize a rodeo to rid the park of the rodents. Due to a misunderstanding in the paperwork, you’ll be stuck putting tiny saddles on the animals instead of loading a shotgun.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll strike it rich making the rounds on the talk show circuit, singing the praises and the health benefits of an all-fast-food diet. Eating only hamburgers can lead to great things! Like less anxiety! Because who cares — you’re full of greasy food and other positives. There are literally no downsides in 2020.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Nervous that your deal with the devil might come true after your favorite baseball team won a playoff game against a stronger opponent, you’ll begin attending daily mass. The nonstop prayer will work as the team will lose the series and your soul will be safe for another year.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After noticing the Mobile City Council spent more than a quarter of a million dollars on some stretchers for the Mobile Fire-Rescue Department, you’ll try to convince them you need a PlayStation 5. Sure, it only benefits you, but it’s a lot cheaper than a $25,000 stretcher.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Annoyed by your 4-year-old’s whining about everything, you’ll make her cries a ringtone for your phone. It’s partially to be used as aversion therapy, but also as a tool to pester your co-workers, who have told you they don’t like the squeaky-clown-shoes one you currently have. Seriously, no one likes the clown shoes noise.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In what will lead to a dramatic shift in operations, you’ll be named the new CEO of Austal. As the first act in your official capacity, you’ll switch the company from a shipbuilder to a producer of those little plastic bouncy balls found in grocery store toy dispensers from the 1980s. Sure, it’s a risky move, but with everyone a special level of pandemic-bored, sales skyrocket.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Taking NASA’s new approach to hawking products from space, you’ll sign up to be an astronaut just to get free, weightless sips of your beloved Coca-Cola. You’ll pass all the rigorous tests and training, but when the commander tells you the deal is with Pepsi, you’ll throw a tantrum and quit the mission.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your attempts to make a new life for yourself selling pink-hued diet formula on Facebook will only serve to make others want to drink Pepto-Bismol. Look to some more accepted pyramid schemes with which to fleece your friends. Amway is always there.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your decision to use a pumpkin and gourd market as the setting for a marriage proposal backfires badly when you’re rejected in front of 25 strangers, including two kids who point out how much you look like one of those pumpkins that’s covered with warts. Next go-round, use the produce aisle at Greer’s.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Remember those fancy boots you bought in Nashville? Now they’re sitting in your closet and you can’t think of any place you’ll ever wear them. Luckily, Libra is throwing a squirrel rodeo, so get them kicks on and boot-scootin’-boogie with some Rodentia.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll become enraged later this week at the ridiculous oversized blow-up Halloween decorations festooning yards across your neighborhood. You’ll climb to your roof with your trusty pellet gun and go Lee Harvey Oswald on them. At Halloween, you’ll have a burning bag of dog poop heaved onto your porch.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — New to the pandemic dating scene after 20 years of marriage, you’ll try your hand at a Zoom date. You’ll brew yourself a cup of coffee to calm your nerves and find a quiet place to set your tablet and prepare for 20 minutes of nonstop communication with a certified cutie. However, you’ll never figure out how to unmute yourself and it will be a disaster.
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