Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Capitalizing on the chance you too can coach a team that makes ESPN’s game of the week, you’ll train a team of out-of-shape 30-somethings and get utterly demolished by Spanish Fort High School. The game won’t make the Worldwide Leader, but it will dupe the editorial staff at this prestigious news gathering organization.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be inspired by the television show “Ted Lasso” next week. I mean, you won’t try to be a nicer person because that would be too hard, but you will begin to practice and get better at darts. The catchphrase “barbecue sauce” will catch on.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll take a vacation day from work in the next two weeks just to unwind at home from a rough couple of weeks. After lunch, you’ll get bored and begin to clean the house and do laundry before your child comes home from school. When your significant other comes home to dinner and clean sheets, they’ll think they’ve come to the wrong house.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — The same squirrel that continually ate your summer produce off the vine will start on your greens once you plant them in fall. You’ll try various trapping methods to rid yourself of the nuisance, but none will work. When you’ve reached the end of your patience, you’ll swear the little bugger will wink at you and run away.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After doing his own research on the internet a friend will swear by the use of Bengay to soothe an upset stomach. You’ll try the experiment for your next upset tummy and while it’ll burn going down, it does provide some relief from the stomach. Instead of a mild upset stomach, you’ll instead have explosive diarrhea.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — At your next checkup, your doctor will warn you to lay off lunches at many of the Downtown Mobile’s eateries. At your next appointment when nothing has changed in your vitals, you’ll swear to the doc you’ve done something. However, that something was to reserve a burial plot. In your mind, it’s easier than chewing through a salad.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll wake up earlier than usual with a plan to do your civic duty as an American. You shower, dress and hop in your car ready to cast your vote for mayor and the next councilperson in your district. Of course, sadly, you discover you’ll have missed the opportunity by nearly two weeks. Instead, you take your own vote and elect the McDonald’s drive-thru for breakfast, then you choose to go to Barnes and Noble to buy a day planner. Sorry, but you won’t be getting a sticker to wear on your shirt, though.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Weather issues shut things down this past Monday and this Monday is Labor Day. The circumstance leads you to believe, you know, a four-day work week can not only be appreciated, but it could be beneficial as well. Maybe this four-day work week thing should become a universal thing. And then you remember: you’re retired and it really doesn’t matter to you anymore. So you turn on the TV to watch “Judge Judy” and count your many blessings.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — As a kid you dreamed of being a famous actor or a professional athlete, of making millions of dollars and having adoring fans around the world. That didn’t happen. Instead, you started an internet company that has no public recognition whatsoever, one you recently sold to a bigger internet group that provided you with millions. You are now retired at 31. Damn shame about not realizing your dreams. Hopefully, you’ll be able to push forward.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Having grown up with slogans such as “Just Say No” and “Buckle Up for Safety,” you decide to develop one you feel will be helpful to those around you and maybe even create a Facebook or Twitter buzz that leads to added notoriety for yourself. But your slogan — “Be Somewhat Kind” — doesn’t take off for some reason (go figure; hey, maybe that should have been your slogan) and you have wasted a lot of money ordering T-shirts with the slogan you planned to sell online.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Having pulled all the plants from the back patio and front porch, not to mention other locations around your house, inside to protect them from the storm, you recognize it’s time to take them all back outside today or risk killing them anyway from a lack of sunshine and water. To counter this, the next time a storm rolls through you have a new plan: Less plants. Definitely less plants.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — After successfully picking each of the winning teams in a neighborhood high school football picks contest, you consider yourself ready for the big time. You take money out of savings and head to Biloxi. You discover, much to your dismay and after losing all your money, maybe you just made a lot of lucky guesses on those prep picks. You should have taken the $10 you won on the picks and been happy.
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