Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After hearing about a high school student who died from an overdose of caffeine from only three drinks, you’ll try to quit the substance cold turkey. Ironically, because of your newfound lethargy, you’ll be profiled by police as a suspect using real drugs.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Catching the tail-end of a nightly sportscast, you’ll realize you don’t know anything about the NBA playoffs. Thankfully, you’ll discover an app called “Is LeBron James playing right now?” that will let you easily determine if basketball season has ended or not.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Despite the apparent severity of the insult, you’ll forgive someone for calling you the wrong person’s name in bed. After all, it was opposite day, and your unsolicited stories and observations were cause for exhaustion.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — After local media misreport a story about a new city ordinance, you’ll mistakenly assume all crime is legal within the city limits. You’ll have too much of a conscience to commit a felony, but you’ll steal every doughnut you see for an entire day.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll begin to lose sleep after a local high school installs “solar-powered” lights at its new football field. “Solar-powered” doesn’t mean fueled by the sun; instead, the lights will have the luminosity of the sun. You really should attend more Planning Commission meetings.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll decide to run for mayor of Mobile on a platform to make Smokey the Bear the city’s new fire chief. On a related note, you’ll promise to sponsor an ordinance to make McGruff the police chief and Ben Matlock the city attorney.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll wind up in an HR conference preparing for the Fuse Project’s Dragon Boat Race after becoming overly competitive and screaming obscenities at coworkers in time with a rowing drumbeat. You won’t lose your job, but you won’t be able to compete anymore.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Failing to achieve that beach body for Hangout Fest, you’ll shave a six-pack of abs into your torso hair. The ladies won’t be impressed, but it’ll lead to a deal with Gillette to advertise their new line of extra large and curvy razor blades.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Always the competitor, you’ll enter the rescheduled Dauphin Island sailboat race this weekend with your pedal-powered kayak. After you make landfall dehydrated and starving on the Yucatan Peninsula next month, you’ll hitch a ride home on the Carnival Fantasy.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Seeing a lucrative business opportunity due to the abbreviated red snapper season, you’ll open your koi pond to recreational fishermen. Experiencing overwhelming success, you’ll prepare your fish tank for the 2018 commercial shrimping season.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll learn the hard way about fake news when you’re stopped with a small amount of marijuana next week. Despite reports Mobile would “decriminalize” the herb, you’ll still be roughed up and cuffed, with the pavement BREAKING your fall like hot clickbait from WKRG.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Wintzell’s will ban you from its restaurants after you sample too many brews at the Good People Tap Takeover. While the staff may find it funny when you yell “I’m shucked up,” their minds will change as you repeat the joke a fifth time … shirtless … on the bar.