Leo (7/23-8/23) — As the state legislature meets in a special session to battle the governor over the 2016 general fund budget, you decide to “storm the statehouse” to offer a solution that can be appreciated by all Republicans. Your program is called “Reparations for Representatives,” and in addition to being a new source of tax revenue for the governor, it’ll also generate a substantial amount of money for elected majority-party officials whose personal financial interests have not benefited as much as they’d hoped when they originally accepted the gig. They especially get behind the amendment to overturn the double-dipping ban in favor of a triple-dipping bonus. Alabama is saved.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Your search for an over-the-counter Confederate flag continues to prove fruitless as the popularity of the outdated, racially charged banner soars among ignorant people in the wake of this nation’s most deliberate, profound reflection on racial disparity in generations. Eager to prove your loyalty to “the South” in spite of the setback, you drink a case of Busch and drive your 4×4 to the tattoo parlor, demanding an image of Georgia’s Stone Mountain across your back. You couldn’t have known the artist was a liberal, but it’ll be years before someone points out that he replaced Jefferson Davis and Stonewall Jackson with Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Interested in what petty projects Mobile city councilors will target to piss away their individual “penny tax” allocations, you head to a finance committee meeting to offer a few suggestions of your own. Officials listen attentively as you pitch a five-year, multi-million-dollar plan to repaint all the mailboxes in one district; install indoor, talking crosswalk signals in another district; and replace the tap water in splash pads citywide with bottled mineral water. Afterward, you receive a message on city letterhead thanking you for your thoughtfulness and commitment to the community.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be happy to discover the ham and cheese sandwich you left in the break room refrigerator last week is still there, with no visible mold and a smell as fresh as the day you made it. Even better, the cheese product melded with the bread and mayo to create a deliciously gooey coating for the processed meat. You will rejoice, because you can’t afford lunch after busting your bank account buying all the things on your kids’ “free” public school supply list.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — When a routine trip to the Redbox at Walgreens finds you in the middle of a couple’s argument over what they should rent, things get awkward. You’ll patiently wait as the pair trade insults, fighting over “Get Hard” or “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.” After 10 minutes, you’ll interrupt them to ask if you can grab a copy of “Jupiter Ascending” real quick, but they ignore you. You’ll return home movieless, where your wife will make you watch “Hot in Cleveland” reruns instead.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — When photos of you embracing the carcass of a rare Armenian mouflon surface after a recent hunting excursion in Azerbaijan, your work as the city’s animal control officer will be scrutinized by the local media. In an effort to save face, you will remove evidence of hunting from your office, including the Cecil the Tiger bobblehead you purchased in Africa last year. You’ll be fired when the local alternative weekly newspaper discovers your collection of mounted snail darters in a shed in your yard.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — A magic moment will turn into an epic foot chase after a vagrant steals the ring from your hand during a surprise engagement in Bienville Square. Between the homeless presence and those damned squirrels, what seemed like a great venue will, in hindsight, be correctly be viewed as the worst proposal location this side of Hattiesburg. Though the moment will undoubtedly be hampered, you’ll be able to use your cunning to throw a well-placed shoe at the would-be thief. The impact will stop him in his tracks.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — As a mediocre reporter in Mobile County, you’ll take it upon yourself to single-handedly right all of the wrongs performed by midlevel public employees, no matter how innocuous. If an animal shelter employee uses too much toilet paper, “the voice of the taxpayers” will expose the waste. If the shoe shine guy takes too long of a break, “the voice of the taxpayers” will end his rest. But, as every vigilant hero knows, a unwavering commitment to justice can only lead to a dark world of isolation and woe.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Your commitment to trying all of the Lay’s “do us a flavor” chip varieties in one sitting will be your undoing this weekend. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a champion, and you’ll plow through three bags of chips as such. However, on the last leg, Reuben sandwich flavored chips will prove too much for you, causing a loss of consciousness at a local Subway. Later, you’ll awake to find you’ve been locked inside the store with no one to keep you company except a cardboard cutout of Jared Fogle.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In an exclusive attempt at exclusivity, your significant other will soon make reservations at a local fine dining establishment. Shocked that their exclusive phone call didn’t result in the exclusivity of an empty restaurant, your significant other will storm out, leaving you the embarrassment of exclusively explaining their confusion to the maître d’. When you explain to your lover that the phone call only reserved the table and not the whole place exclusively, you’ll get exclusive rights to a night on the couch. Exclusive.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your overindulgence at beer fest later this month might cause you some problems. You’ll have a great time as you sample unique brews from all over the country, but you’ll be unable to stop consuming the alcohol-laden “banana bread in a bottle” offered to you at one of the local bars. The night will end with you and your best friend trying to out-pee each other off the side of the cruise terminal. At least somebody will be using it for something.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll start an Internet frenzy when you ask on Twitter for a clarification of Bruce Willis’ height. The “Armageddon” actor is listed at 6 feet, but you’ve always doubted that, especially since you saw him at a Mexican place once and he looked short. You will pester his publicist and even attempt to reach his family until the actor won’t be able to take it any longer. He’ll find you and hit you with his car, not unlike that scene from “Pulp Fiction.”