Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll get sidetracked while driving next week and hesitate at a traffic light. It seems innocuous at first, but the lapse in judgment will set a more sinister fate in motion. After making the gentleman behind you wait for three additional seconds, you’ll become the latest victim of the violent and primal display ravaging the once-tranquil city of Fairhope — horn honking. While you’ll escape that intersection with your life, the memory of the shrill and offensive noise will haunt you for years.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Keeping with tradition, you’ll manage to maintain your self-denial for three to four days of the Lent season. Perhaps it was a lofty goal to attempt to complete a 40-day Foosackly’s abstinence, especially considering there is one just a few hundred yards from your office. While your family and the Lord will no doubt be disappointed, the incident will serve as a reminder to focus on the other, less-celebrated preparations for believers — something you’ll move right along with after googling “tithing” on the Foo’s free Wi-Fi.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After hearing every local television station refer to a pair of transient criminals as “the new Bonnie and Clyde,” you’ll realize the burden of proof needed to make a comparison during the February ratings sweeps is pretty low. With that in mind, you’ll set out to have them create a nickname to describe your own crimes. The media will no doubt be on the lookout for the next “Jack the Ripper” after you lightly scratch two customers in line at a local Dollar General (and at peak viewing hours no less!).
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In a modern-day, real-life version of “The Fly,” your obsession with cloning the first dinosaur will end in disaster. Decades of study and years of testing will culminate in the first-ever successful dino-clone, but a mix-up at the lab will leave you a bit shorthanded. See, the experiment ends in a hybrid — turning you into a half-human, half-Tyrannosaurus rex freak. It’ll be cool for a minute, but you’ll soon realize the dexterity challenges associated with half-dino limbs. No longer being able to high five will be the least of your problems.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Inspired by Peyton Manning’s success in the Super Bowl, you’ll immediately ship HGH to your wife in hopes it will improve your athletic prowess. It doesn’t. You’ll end up being the same fat slob who once ate a pepperoni off the floor. Your wife, on the other hand, will have never looked better. In fact, she’ll trade you in for a younger, less complaining husband she met at the gym. Because your plan backfired, you’ll go to Cammie’s Old Dutch to suffocate your sorrows. Like you’ve ever needed an excuse to enjoy five scoops of ice cream.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In this year’s version of “is a hot dog a sandwich,” you’ll argue with colleagues relentlessly that hummus is not a dip. You’ll become red-faced as you scream that hummus can be eaten by itself and is therefore not a dip. Despite your passionate pleas, the office consensus will be that it is a dip because it’s more delicious with a carrot dipped in it. Not giving up, you’ll argue that a french fry can be dipped in ketchup, but that’s also not a dip. You’ll lose and quit.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — In an effort to fortify your home against rising wind insurance premiums, you’ll employ the laws of aerodynamics in your latest harebrained DIY renovation. Streamlining your roof’s profile and outfitting your porches with spoilers will upset everyone concerned with historic preservation, but the smoke and stress testing performed in the lab will be the envy of the housing industry. Soon you’ll design a new subdivision for D.R. Horton featuring fortified three- and four-bedroom models known as “The Wisp,” “Anchorage” and the top-of-the-line “Come at Me.”
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You learn the hard way you are not be trusted with a free pair of concert tickets after you scramble to find a date to see one of today’s hottest indie bands. An initial encounter with a new stranger will be pleasant and promising, but you’ll be disturbed as they exchange constant text threats of death, violence and lawsuits with their ex as the evening wears on. Thankfully their phone battery will die, but not before their scorned former lover has learned their location. It’s a good thing your lease is about to expire, but now might be a good time to brush up on effective restraining order protocol.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You need a nap after going balls to the wall for 10 days during Mardi Gras, but don’t sleep too long. As a global citizen, you’re expected to keep the celebration ongoing for Chinese Lunar New Year Wednesday and Armed Forces Day Thursday in Liberia. On Friday, you’re back at it with Vasant Panchami in Bangalore, but your game better be on point for back-to-back Valentine’s Day and President’s Day here in the states. Things are going to get rowdy for the birthdate of Kim Jong Il in North Korea, but don’t worry, you’ll rest when you’re dead.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Feeling left out as the only person at the office with no musical talent, you’ll teach yourself to play the recorder. It will be hard at first, but after a few weeks you’ll boast “Hot Cross Buns” and “Happy Birthday” as key songs in your repertoire. With a renewed confidence and a positive mental attitude, you’ll join co-workers in a jam session at the next company party, only to be outdone when the new guy from accounting performs a stunning rendition of “Amazing Grace” on the rainstick.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — After discovering you both minored in creative writing in college, you and Joe from advertising will attend a slam poetry reading together at a trendy coffee shop in Fairhope. You’ll be amazed by Joe’s superior and precise vocabulary and his ability to transform himself from the mild-mannered co-worker you love into a fierce poetry warrior. A white guy with no rhythm and little feel for the craft, you’ll receive loud “boos” and death threats from the audience when you perform Kanye West’s “Black Skinhead.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — On Friday, you’ll fall asleep on the couch after a long night watching your “Seinfeld” DVD collection. Saturday morning, you’ll wake up convinced you saw the fictional movie “Rochelle, Rochelle” in the theater the night before. Returning to work on Monday, you’ll rave to friends about the film’s magical telling of a girl’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. You’ll be so excited about the film that you’ll adapt it for the local performance theater and convince none other than Bette Midler to perform in the title role.