Virgo (8/23-9/22) — College football is here and you’re about to turn into the monster version of yourself that comes out when chicken wings, pizza, beer and trash talk flow. You don’t so much insult people, but you do eat so much food and drink so much alcohol that you invariably end up puking or peeing in your friends’ homes. Possible “game day celebration banning” might be coming from some of your friends who have recently renovated parts of their homes. Look, you can apologize 1,000 more times for the great plate glass window break of 2005, but people still remember.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A most terrible fate will fall upon you near the election. For a solid three days a song will be stuck in your head, but it won’t be just any song. Oh no, it will be 3UnbornSoulz’s hit song, “Where We From,” a rap about voting for Sam Jones. Like something from “The Manchurian Candidate,” it will control you. Soon you will say, “Sam Jones is our man. Sam Jones is our man. Sam who? Sam Jones. Sam who? Sam Jones.” Even though you can’t get your head around the lyric, “Bringing down taxes. Cuttin gas prices” it will somehow make sense. And you will soon want to rent rather than own.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — It is time to celebrate! Kids are back in school and that means a few things for you. First, you can go outside your home without pants on after eight a.m. and before three p.m. Second, when you are outside without pants on, you can drink and yell at people passing by. When you did that with school kids out, you would get several visits from the police about harassing children. Lastly, you can go out, refill your belly wine container, which looks like a beer belly with a straw, and not be bothered by judging mothers or sticky children.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Karma is alive and well. After making fun of someone for having the stomach virus going around Mobile, you’ll learn how fun it is to laugh when you can’t hold down anything … even water. Since karma has to repay fully, you will of course get sick on the weekend and then be better when it’s time for work on Monday morning. As you stare into your reflection in the toilet water, take a hard look at yourself and ask if a joke is worth a weekend of hell.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After watching a particularly emotional episode of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” (you know the one where Will asks why his dad didn’t want him), you’ll feel extra sensitive. That’s why when you go out and hear Everclear’s “Father of Mine” and you will begin to uncontrollably cry. Yes it is weird to hear that song in 2013, but perhaps the person had the radio tuned to a specific station. Your friends will of course take this to mean you’ve really got a problem and try to talk you down. Learn your lesson and stop watching moving ‘90s TV before going out.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You will do the nearly impossible task of riding down a night of drinking by waking up drunk, then slowly hydrating yourself and therefore not having a hangover. It’s incredibly hard to do this, but once in a blue moon you’ll actually be able to do avoid a massive hangover. People have liken this to finishing a bottle of liquor and whatever mixer at the same time. Tread lightly though. People have gone through the no hangover experience and come out the other side with a false sense of invincibility.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Do it. Go ahead and do it. You know you’ve been thinking about getting or at least renting a pressure washer. The stars have determined pressure washing everything from sidewalks to decks and from walls to brick will be incredibly, extremely satisfying on every level. While there are people who charge for pressure washing services, you’ll soon start to pressure wash people’s houses, sidewalks, etc. in secret. The instant gratification will be extremely addicting. Be sure you don’t blow all the grout from between your bricks though. It happens.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Lately you’re feeling like you’re “Too Busy To Be One Mobile.” The political rhetoric is getting to you and you’re not sure how much more you can take. If you get one more phone call or hear one more political ad, you might just go into a bunker and pray there is no runoff in any election. While politics might not be your thing, the free concerts and food sure are. That’s why you’re seriously considering Doris Brown for mayor since she’ll give out free ice cream to senior citizens on Wednesdays. While you might not make the cut, you can always find a senior citizen to get you some delicious ice cream.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your significant other is hinting that they want a dog and you know what comes next — either marriage or a baby. Worried by the next step, you’ll suggest getting a goldfish or a beta fish. Your boo will not be satisfied with this request, so you’ll find the worst behaved dog you can and hope the pup will be able to quash the wedding bell/baby fever your love has got going on.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — The skies have opened and poured out blessings upon your house. You’re not sure how, but some way you’ve started to receive more TV channels for the same price. How did this happen? No one may ever know because you’re not going to ask your service provider and possibly ruin a good thing. Now the second a higher bill comes in, you’ll call up and claim ignorance. Loose lips sink ships and ruins good TV watching.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — Things will get really awkward when you stick your foot in your mouth big time. The worst part is you didn’t even say anything really bad, but you said it in front of the person’s family member. Everybody knows you can’t say anything but wonderful things about someone in front of family. You’ll spend the next few days looking over your shoulder to make sure you don’t get shanked.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be recently turned on to a new prison show and, wow, will it terrify you even more of prison. You’ll accidentally jaywalk in front of a police officer and break into tears. While sobbing on the asphalt, the officer will actually think you might be a tad crazy. You, of course, cannot explain yourself due to the hysterical crying so you might end up in holding. After you calm down and realize holding isn’t that bad, you’ll tattoo a teardrop under your eye. You always knew you were hard.