Libra: you’re no bourbon connoisseur 

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) ­­— You’ll absolutely lose it this week when a wave of recycled Christmas commercials from the past several years make their way back into heavy rotation. The couple with the high-end GMC trucks. Travolta as Santa. It’s too much for you. Let’s turn off the TV before something bad happens.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Your favorite part of Thanksgiving is that it’s the one day of the year when you have total permission to pass out while talking to a room full of people. After gorging yourself on turkey and 20 sides, the tryptophan is all the excuse you need to start drooling on yourself while your Aunt Gertrude asks you about work. 

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll find yourself super burned up after the Thanksgiving meal is over and the side dish you slaved over and imagined everyone complimenting you about is still sitting virtually untouched. First, you’ll blame placement — it was doomed to fail sitting between the dressing and your sister-in-law’s four-cheese mac ’n’ cheese! By the end of the night, you’ll admit to yourself that maybe your pepperoni, pineapple and cottage cheese dip isn’t for everyone.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’re determined this Thanksgiving not to watch your brother eat 30 deviled eggs before everyone else even gets one. Stopping him will be the tough part. Your plan — creating two dozen low-quality deviled eggs and placing them near him — will backfire when your mother tries them first, declares them inedible and literally places the tray of good eggs in your brother’s lap.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Turkey Day this year will be ruined when more than half of the family leaves before dinner is served to get in line at the TiCo Walmart for Black Friday. You warn them supply chain issues mean anything worth a crap is floating off of California in a tanker right now, but they’re not dissuaded. Even worse, a sibling will find love while waiting in line for 18 hours. 

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’re already super jazzed up about this year’s Iron Bowl, but a nagging fear is starting to creep into your head — what if Mississippi’s Egg Bowl is actually the better game? This has never been a consideration before and you’ve always laughed at the stupidity of calling your biggest rivalry game the “Egg Bowl.” But each team could score 50 points. Just focus on hating your bitter rival and stop worrying about things you can’t control. 

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In honor of the upcoming Iron Bowl, you’ll poison and TP your neighbor’s trees. Unfortunately, you’ll discover later the guy is an Arkansas Razorbacks fan. It’s not your fault Alabama and Arkansas reds are so similar! You’ll diffuse the situation by reminding your angry neighbor he won’t have to worry about cleaning toilet paper out of his trees because they’ll need to be cut down by Sunday. 

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Thanksgiving dinner at your cousin’s house will absolutely be ruined by his insistence that two large dogs are treated like human members of the family. You’ll get stuck at the dog table and it will be totally out of hand. Naturally, both dogs will finish their entire meal within 30 seconds after grace is completed and then come after your food. Worse yet, you’ll see one of them drinking out of the gravy boat! The only solace you’ll take from the situation is that last year your four cats were much better behaved.

Leo (7/23-8/22) — Your son will bring home a very large, very hungry foreign exchange student from college for Thanksgiving and that will prove to be a challenge. The kid won’t have had a home-cooked meal in months and will eat roughly half of everything you put out. Things will get super awkward when Sven and your mother start fighting over a turkey wing.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You won’t even be finished digesting your turkey before your spouse has you up in the attic bringing down box after box of Christmas decorations. It gets more intense each year and now includes three huge inflatables that will dominate your yard for the next month. On the plus side, Alabama Power will send you a very nice Christmas card.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — You got a little out of hand at the annual Bourbon by the Bay and now there’s going to be hell to pay. Not only did you make a fool of yourself in front of some of the Mobile area’s big shots, but you also spent this year’s Christmas money buying a super high-end bourbon. Unfortunately, when you sobered up, you’d never heard of Slappy Van Crinkle Bourbon. It may not be the “investment” you’d hoped for. 

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — The straw will finally break the camel’s back this Thanksgiving when you, once again, get the turkey’s wishbone and loudly say, “I wish my family didn’t suck so much!” The family will be prepared this year and you’ll quickly be shown the back door and handed a prepacked Tupperware container of vittles. Maybe next year you should wish your family had a better sense of humor.