Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — An avid Internet troll, you’ll have a fairly regular weekend. You’ll get up and read a 3,000-word story on a very intricate topic. However, near the end of the story you’ll notice that the amateur fool who prepared the piece left out a single article. Standing up for the integrity of an industry you aren’t a part of and an America you’d love to save, you’ll prepare a biting remark for the bastard and scribe it beneath his Facebook post — another wrong righted.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — After hearing that Alabama is locking up ministers for performing same-sex marriages in Prattville, you’ll finally decide to leave the backwoods state for the liberal paradise that is Oregon. Once there, you’ll be greeted by college-aged librarians who feed you pot brownies as you play the ukulele. You can’t play the ukulele? Oregon can and Oregon does. Oregon is all around us and it wants you inside of it as a resident. Move here. It’s great. *This horoscope paid for by the state of Oregon.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — News of a deadly dust-up among criminal biker gangs at a Texas “breastaurant” has you really wanting to start some sh*t. You don’t have a motorcycle, so your 1999 Honda CRV will have to do as you take it on down to Hooters, park in a handicap spot without a permit, walk inside and immediately shove the biggest dude you see. Those chicken fingers they serve weren’t bred to fly, but a lot of poultry and even a few burgers go airborne as you tussle with a Marine named Chad. Getting your ass kicked never felt so good.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — Bored and looking for something different to do Thursday nights? Grab a bowl of popcorn and head on down to the Bayou to watch the sparks fly at the next City Council meeting. Governing is always more entertaining with a constant threat of violence, and even if things don’t escalate to “breastaurant brawl” levels, you’ll be sure to hear some engaging rhetoric. Plato himself might enjoy the discourse. I know, I’ve met him.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — Watch out for the grill this Memorial Day, it took months for your facial hair to grow back after the last lighter fluid and charcoal incident. The good thing about it was you didn’t really have so much personal grooming to do every morning, but the bad thing was, you smelled like a sausage until the Fourth of July. And while you found the scent surprisingly tolerable, once the neighborhood dogs caught wind of it, it was open season. People think it’s weird when you take a slow whiff of the vacuum-packed sausage at the grocery store, but hey, memories.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Summer is here! When you realize you have to start paying for your public school kids to go to summer camp, you’ll have a panic attack. All year they’ve attended school for free, but next week you’ll pay more to send them to camp than you do for your mortgage. No worries! Your kidneys are in good shape and would fetch a pretty penny on the black market. And you could always sell your collection of sports bobblehead dolls on eBay.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/22) — When a local television station runs a week-long series of stories on a middle school fight, you think back to when you were that age. You’re lucky that when you were 13, television stations weren’t there to report on the time you stuck gum in a girl’s hair during choir practice. Lucky for you Suzy Reporterface wasn’t there with a camera when the quarterback of the football team pantsed you at the Homecoming pep rally. Those memories are yours and yours alone, baby.
Capricorn (12/23 – 1/19) — When you try to Google “cures for bromhidrosis” but you accidentally post it to your company’s public Facebook page, things get a little dicey at work for a few days. Best to hang low at home for a while until the dust settles on your little mishap. Working from home will guarantee that, while your co-workers are laughing at you, at least you aren’t there at the office. You really thought your new work friends would be more accepting, but apparently excessive body odor is a bridge too far.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Sunburnt and hung over from a weekend beach trip, you will not be prepared for that Monday meeting, or that brown-nosing coworker Bob. He’ll ask you one too many questions about a current project and you’ll lose it. You’ll rip off your shirt and yell “Come at me, bro!” in the crowded conference room. Your anger will turn to embarrassment when you’ll notice everyone laughing at your shaking, porcine-colored beer belly. You’ve never been good in meetings.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — You’ll soon be that one friend in your peer group who is teased more than everyone else. Ever since Becky started waxing her ‘stache and Gilbert learned to close his mouth when he eats, your lack of political knowledge in this aggressive climate will make you a pariah. You’ll begin to study everything from the Gettysburg Address to the Bully Pulpit to Realpolitik, but it won’t make a difference. Your ignorance has already been too widely documented to dispel. Face it, you’re probably going to vote for Ted Cruz in 2016.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — I wish I could tell you that true love is right around the corner, but we both know it isn’t. I wish I could tell you the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series, but they won’t. Love is a lie and the Cardinals win everything. On a brighter note, you’ll win the lottery next week and some kids from Florida will benefit from the dollar you plunked down picking all numbers in succession. It’s funny how life works, even when you win, you lose.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Your net assets will go through the roof when you start a business selling Gadsden Flags to the residents of Baldwin County. You’ll be combining a ground swell of hatred for the federal government and Southerners’ love for ancillary pieces of American history folklore. In doing so, you’ll stash away a pretty penny, but shortly after your first week in operation, an agent of the IRS will approach to ask about Uncle Sam’s cut. Luckily, you’ll have your stage prop musket nearby to teach that mindless bureaucrat a thing or two about justice and freedom.