Leo (7/23-8/23) — Seeing an opportunity to enter the political arena, you purchase a cheap squat in Bayou La Batre and throw your hat in the mayor’s race. Your qualifications are limited to an ability to name the three branches of government and a failed attempt to break the Wintzell’s record for raw oysters eaten in an hour, but you’ll find favorable support for your proclivity for wearing denim and appreciation of Vietnamese cuisine. Alas, the campaign will fall apart after a frequently cited local economist releases a study about the financial failure that is Free Pho Fridays.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In an attempt to be proactive and spare South Alabama the civil unrest seen elsewhere in the country, you decide to offer sensitivity training to local law enforcement agencies. Suspicious of your motives and wary of your lack of expertise, agencies will tentatively agree only after you offer to work for coffee and donuts. Classes such as “How to Chokehold Responsibly” and “Beat Them, Don’t Mistreat Them” are generally well received, but the line is drawn when you propose “Cuddling with Inmates 101.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Fed up of watching everyone else take vacation time while you work right on through the summer without a damn break, you decide to bring a kiddie pool and margarita mix to the office on Friday. Your job will be secure somehow as the spectacle falls within the employee manual’s definition of “casual Friday,” but you’ll have to reimburse the company for excessive water usage and a freelance lifeguard.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As payback for years of making her watch French New Wave films during your artsy phase in college, your wife will binge-watch episodes of “Saved by the Bell” on MeTV. You’ll hate it for the first three nights, but by the time she reaches Season 4, you’ll be drawn in by the drama when Zack and Slater fall in love with the same girl. You will hate yourself for liking it, but you can’t deny how dreamy Slater is. What a guy.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — When you lose your job after the Sears store closes at Bel Air Mall, you’ll have plenty of time to read that list of Wikipedia ghost story articles you’ve been meaning to catch up on. It will be fun for a while, but eventually the list will drive you mad. Reciting passages from “13 Alabama Ghosts and Jeffrey” while wandering aimlessly around local parking lots will get you noticed by a theater company, who assigns you Leonardo DiCaprio’s part in a production of “Shutter Island.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — When your wife and children leave town for the weekend, you’ll enjoy having a couple of bachelor days, just like you did in college. After mowing the lawn early Saturday morning, you will spend the rest of the day eating tortilla chips and shredded cheese while you watch a “Whacked Out Sports” marathon on Grit. Sure, you attend church Sunday morning, but PB&J sandwiches and your “Beavis and Butthead” special edition DVDs are on the agenda when you return home.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll look forward to a visit with an old friend this weekend, but you’ll get nervous once you remember he’s actually a toaster. Though Henry always had a way with words, he also had a way with bread … in that he’d turn it into toast, especially in the mornings. As would be expected, the initial conversation will take some effort. However, after a glass of wine the memories will start coming back to you, but probably not Henry, who will still very much be an inanimate kitchen appliance.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll find yourself with some significant legal troubles after exercising your Second Amendment rights at Government Plaza. Despite claiming to be true, God-fearing Americans, the powers that be at Government (figures) Plaza will not allow you to display an active Civil War cannon in the atrium for very long. You’ll be tackled by a security officer pretty quickly, but it’s hard to be sure at this point whether your impending arrest is aimed at preventing liberty or wheel marks on the new flooring.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After seeing no fewer than 20 friends get engaged on the same weekend, you’ll finally accept your inevitable fate of becoming a cat person. Without thinking, you’ll change all of your profile pictures to random cartoons like Tweetie Bird. Then you’ll head down to the local pet store to get your first two cats, which naturally become more cats over time through a process you don’t entirely understand. You just love them — all 80 — with no exception.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll attempt to sue your employer after you aggressively overeat during an office potluck party. You’ll decide to represent yourself because you watched an episode of “Franklin and Bash” and think the whole lawyer thing is easy. The case will go badly. So badly, in fact, you’ll end up being arrested and detained for fraud. You’ll hire two high-powered Mobile attorneys to represent you on the fraud case and end up staying out of jail.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — While you’ve gotten used to your childhood heroes disappointing you recently, the future admission of drug abuse and sex addiction from Bubbles the Clown will send you into a tailspin. Bubbles was the most wholesome of the entertainers you knew as a child and news of his ordeal will make you immediately drop out of clown college. The good news is you’ll be hired by the Donald Trump campaign almost as fast. You always wanted to be in politics.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Fed up with the litter problem in the city, you’ll devise an alter ego to rescue Mobile’s greenspace from evil litterers (not like Captain Planet.) You’ll don an orange costume and legally change your name to Riverman, in hopes that people take the cause seriously. The biggest problem will be the constant mispronunciation of your name, you know, like it’s a last name. You’ll have to stop when you receive a cease-and-desist letter from Mobile Baykeeper because they’ll say you’re making them look bad.