Goodness gracious. The spies endured a lot for you at this past weekend’s Hangout Beach, Music and Arts Festival, which saw 40,000 people hit the beach to enjoy the music of Jack Johnson, Outkast, The Black Keys, The Flaming Lips and even more interesting characters playing around out in the sand than on the stages.

The spies are sunburned, have all sustained substantial liver damage and all claim it’s probably going to take them a week or so to feel “normal” again. I could fill a book on all the tidbits I was sent, and maybe I’ll add some more leftovers next week, but this will get us started.

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Most interesting fashion choices

The swimsuit most likely to terrify men went to the girl who was sporting a suit with a “Jaws-looking” creature jumping out of her crotch. My spy was not able to snap a pic but was able to find the suit online.

There were so many people wearing costumes I can’t even describe them all, but here are a few. One guy was sporting a blond wig, welder’s mask and poncho. Another had on an Indian headdress and tutu and matching bow tie. There was a man wearing a gorilla mask (more on him later), two guys wearing horse heads, one guy wearing a Chewbacca on his back, a guy who had spray painted all of his facial hair and hair on his head bright orange, a guy wearing a child’s duck floatie around his considerable gut, and numerous dudes wearing cut-off midriff T-shirts when they shouldn’t have been, and many girls wearing those high wasted shorts that have made a comeback, when they shouldn’t have been either.

(Guys, those T-shirts are not sexy on any dude. And ladies, those shorts only look good if you are a size 0 or maybe a 2. Trust me.)

Overheard and seen

At the pre-party on Thursday, one guy was spotted using our Lagniappe box at our tent to roll a joint on. We knew those things could come in handy for something other than holdin’ papers!

On Friday in the VIP Grove, one festival-goer was chatting with one of the bands who played on Friday. They had brought a friend with them. The band friend introduced himself to our spy, then without missing a beat said, “I’m from Colombia and yes I do like cocaine.”

On Friday, at 2 p.m., when the festival had only been going a few hours, a twenty-something guy with black skinny jeans, Ray Bans and a green T- shirt on was sitting at the edge of the VIP pool, with his pants rolled up a bit and his feet in the water. He suddenly passed out sitting there and face planted in the water, reminiscent of the famous scene in “The Graduate.” 

That woke him up, and he got out and slowly walked around the pool. You could clearly see he had his wallet in his pants, along with his now-ruined cell phone. His glasses were at the bottom of the pool. He was about to leave them, and a nice lifeguard came over and went to the bottom and got them. He thanked the lifeguard and said he was already too drunk and was heading home.  

Later on Friday, at Queens of the Stone Age, during the first song, up at the front of the stage, two women got into an altercation. A guy jumped in and apparently started hitting one of the women. The song ended and Josh Homme, the lead singer of the band, called the guy out on the mic. He said, “Whoa. What kinda guy hits a woman? Security, throw this guy out.” As they grabbed him, he asked the crowd to join him in rousing chorus of “Na na na na, hey, hey, ASSHOLE!” You can apparently find this on Youtube. Who said chivalry is dead?

On Saturday, Diarrhea Planet played, and they were crowd surfing in inflatable doughnuts with bites taken out of them. I’m told the singer even had a solo while surfing in the doughnut. Said doughnuts later made an appearance in the VIP pool.

We had a fantastic crew working the Lagniappe tent, which was located right across from the Boom Boom tent. It seemed one lady had a little too much boom boom on Saturday around noon. She fell down behind our tent and started puking.

She had a friend who was trying to help her by pouring water on her face. One witness said when she tried to start walking, she resembled a newborn calf. People witnessing got so worried about her, our team was able to flag down the medical folks and get her assistance, though I’m told she put up some resistance.

Amos Lee put on a fantastic show Saturday afternoon and even featured a gospel choir from right here in Mobile sing along with him. They were fabulous and apparently had been practicing with his music for days before the performance.

We’re not sure if the shirtless guy who was wearing the gorilla mask and sunglasses had also been practicing, but he gave quite the performance to the VIP section during Amos’ show. He turned to the people in the VIP area and started playing with his nipples. Then got a bit amorous on his lady during one of Amos’ gettin’ it on songs.

One festival-goer brought a giant picture of Morgan Freeman’s head on a stick, presumably so his friends could find him. During the Gary Clark, Jr., show, Clark said it’s so nice playing to Morgan Freeman’s head.

One group of Mobilians was spotted shooting water guns filled with vodka in the mouths of Boozie spies. Vodka Guns! Me like!

Another gentleman must have mistaken the new lockers, (which I’m told were a big hit), for a port-a-let because one spy walked up on him peeing on them Friday night.

One group of kids must have had fun rearranging a surf shop’s marquee letters located inside the festival grounds because I’m pretty sure it didn’t day this when they opened their doors that morning.

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A trio of kids obviously tripping on something were spotted outside a condo on West Beach early Saturday morning. They clearly had not been to bed yet and had a lot to say to each other. Around 7:30 a.m., the dude of the group shed his clothes down to his boxers and got in Little Lagoon, while the ladies who were with him just got in the shallow water in their clothes — one was wearing a skirt; the other was wearing long black jeans. They crawled around in the water for a couple of hours being really amazed by the crabs and the shells they spotted. And I mean really amazed.

Love was in the air at Hangout as well. A guy was so taken with an ESho socialite/designer puppy breeder — my spy’s description, not mine — that he was actually getting down on all fours and insisting she sit on his back so she would have somewhere comfy to rest. Perhaps these two could have taken advantage of the Hangout wedding chapel, which performed real and fake weddings all weekend.

We heard the actor Elijah Wood of “Lord of the Rings” fame was there.

One local bar owner who had an “artist” pass and got backstage had a record weekend. He lounged in the Black Keys’ lawn chairs and got kicked out of them, pissed off Dawes by giving them some sort of backhanded compliment and then literally ran into Jack Johnson backstage. He said Jack was the nicest guy and his young daughter already looked like a supermodel. He said right about the same time The Avett Brothers were playing ping pong.

And you may see all of these folks again, as CMT was on site casting for about 30 different reality shows.

Well kids, that’s all I got this time, which I think is a gracious plenty. Just remember, whether rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous or some plain ol’ gorilla playing with his nipples lovin’, I will be there. Ciao!