Pisces (2/19-3/20) — To avoid prosecution in the city’s environmental court, you’ll argue the spare tires around your house are part of your religious beliefs. You’ll act out a ritual prayer to the God PSI in front of inspectors. It won’t work. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day drink is a pint of black and tan.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll convince The Cheese Cottage to start throwing slices of American cheese at unaware patrons as a way to capitalize on a current viral video craze. Upset, some customers will threaten to sue you over the practice. Don’t throw cheese at people. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day activity is a pickup match of hurling.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Forgetting you’re Tweeting from a work account, you’ll threaten a man in a heated argument about whether Crocs are sexy. You’ll be promptly fired but will still have the best-looking foam shoes in the business. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day literature is the poetry of W.B. Yeats.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Gov. Kay Ivey will accost you on your way home from work next week. Before you can stop her, she’ll snatch your billfold and symbolically throw it into a poorly maintained street while never breaking eye contact. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day dish is corned beef hash.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After failing to get all the bridesmaids on board in time for the ceremony, you’ll be cast in the most comfortable wedding party attire of all time: pajamas. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day choreography is Riverdance.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In the midst of yelling at a friend during a board game, you’ll take stock of your life and decide to join the clergy. You’ll never pass go or receive $200 again. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day movie is “Angela’s Ashes.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Reading how you can write off all your tax debt and cheat the IRS by investing in a conservation easement syndicate, you begin to find partners for your new business venture, My Backyard, LLC. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day soundtrack is Thin Lizzie.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Gearing up for spring break in alcohol-free Orange Beach, you empty Listerine bottles to replace the mouthwash with green-tinted vodka. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day word to use in a phrase is “arseways.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Eager to debut your magnum opus at the Mobile Literary Festival, you identify the most impactful excerpts to recite from “Tumble Weave: A Mobile Memoir.” Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day shade of green is chartreuse.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) –— You’ll be arrested when you crash the Fairhope Arts & Crafts Festival with your edgy Banksy-inspired street art of city employees applying lethal gas to wayward geese. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day artist is Francis Bacon.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After heavy rains ruin a planned outing to the Mobile Delta, you’ll relocate a kayak tour to a flooded midtown Mobile. The group will spot a wild Fred Richardson swimming near Publix. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day American meme is the Crichton Leprechaun.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After getting injured during a home improvement project, you file a lawsuit against yourself for attempting to climb a ladder in flip flops. You settle out of court. Your lucky St. Paddy’s Day firstborn son’s name is Seamus.
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