Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Ignoring a “final notice” to add a street-facing mailbox to your property, you’ll underestimate the U.S. Mail Mafia. While you won’t immediately notice your bills being routinely delivered late, it will be hard to miss the overtly phallic-shaped packages suddenly appearing on your doorstep.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After buying the biggest TV you’ve ever owned, you’ll make the mistake of continuing the viewing habits of an averaged-size television owner. While your neighbors will be envious of your new investment, they’ll be less excited about the way you utilize your Cinemax subscription.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll settle into a comfortable new environment that only remains clean for approximately four hours. Someone will impress upon you that seaweed is actually made out of people. The Lumineers will record a demo song about you called “Please, Go the F*ck to Sleep Now, Charmin’ Darlin’.”
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll announce your candidacy for mayor by holding a press conference where you wrestle a bear. Sure, you’ll end up in the hospital for related injuries, but you’ll have that sweet, sweet internet fame, which will garner at least six and a half votes.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll get arrested for breaking into the Old Dutch creamery after its grand opening. You’ll be found in diabetic shock after trying to eat your way out of an ice cream vat. You’ll also suffer brain-freeze symptoms for weeks.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll announce next week a new plan to build an underwater industrial park. Despite the lack of feasibility, engineers and environmental groups alike will be against the plan. Something had to finally bring those groups together. It just happened to be your dumb idea.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll develop aggressive diabetes after drinking one of the last Starbucks unicorn lattes left in Mobile. While you won’t find the drink appealing beforehand, and certainly not during, you’ll drink it anyway because you’re a slave to trends and deserve to lose a foot.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — After making a very public spectacle about boycotting United Airlines and feeling pressured to include American Airlines as well, Qatar Airways will soon be the only flight option you have left. When somebody finally points out how Qatar sustains its wealth, you’ll start stowing away on transcontinental freightliners.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll be laughed out of the Dauphin Island Gumbo Festival looking for a vegan broth. Later, having eaten only saltines, you’ll concede crabs, because of their hard outer shells, are actually a variety of coastal nut.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll create Mobile’s first pilgrim festival next week. Known as “April Showers Bring Mayflowers,” it’ll go great until guests realize you know nothing about history. It will still be one of the city’s most popular events.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll celebrate World Tai Chi Day by driving incredibly slowly and deliberately. You won’t relieve any physical tension, but you’ll spur what the DOT notes is the most chill traffic jam in recent history.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll nearly win Pride Week’s Karaoke Idol with your ambitious choice of Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know?” Unfortunately your voice will crack at the thought of some leftover pizza at home, and you’ll lose to the dude who hit all the high notes in “Take On Me.”