Holy Guacamole! We did it! We survived another calendar year, a “polar vortex,” holidays with our fams, and another college football season on Facebook, not to mention the heartbreaking games, which made said social media unbearable.

I’m proud of us for making it through to the other side. Let’s do a shot. And don’t give me any lip about “taking it easy until Mardi Gras!” That is what Lent is for. So enjoy reading all about what your fellow Gulf Coast crazies have been up to of late.

New Year’s Eve shenanigans

A Redneck Woman came downtown New Year’s Eve and showed she was no high class broad. Oh and Gretchen Wilson was there too. Har har. Despite less than perfect weather, thousands came downtown to watch the world’s largest mechanical confection (I’m assuming it’s the world’s largest mechanical confection. I mean, surely it is, right?) drop down the side of a building to ring in the New Year.

Mayor Sandy Stimpson and Councilman Fred Richardson cut a MoonPie Cake together, hand-in-hand, as if they had just been married. No word on if they shoved their pieces into each other’s mouths or where they honeymooned. Chattanooga, we presume.

Our spies said the sponsor party at the Bienville Club was pretty rockin’, and at least one politico seemed to have at least 20 extra “special guests” in tow. Hmmm. Wonder who that could have been?

Just a hop, skip and a jump over at Space 301, the Fuse Project put on an elegant affair to welcome in 2014 and all for a good cause, or rather causes. The event benefits multiple youth charities.

There were lots of lovelies in pretty dresses, including one lady in a skimpy mesh number that really turned a lot of heads. I’m told “the lady with long blonde extensions” also filled her dress out quite nicely. Hey, and Boozie is not being sexist. I’m told there were some nice man buns there as well. But my spies were girls and you know how girls are about judging other women.

Our spies said the drinks they were pouring were quite strong, which may have been led to a couple of “twerking incidents” on the dance floor, which resulted in a couple of ladies hitting the dance floor, quite literally.

Our spies said if you want an elegant and swank New Year’s Eve experience, this is the hottest ticket in town.

Go Daddy Bowl Luncheon a smash

Several of my spies who regularly attend the Go Daddy Bowl luncheon said this year’s speaker, legendary NFL quarter back Brett Favre, was the best yet. It was obvious he is not earning big bucks on the speaking circuit by delivering some tired, prepared speech. He just answered questions from one of the organizers and his answers were genuine and interesting, my spies said.

I’m told everyone had an enjoyable time, except for the dishes lunch was served on. Apparently the sounds of dishes crashing to the floor kept emanating from the kitchen. Oops!

The beer is how much?

It’s nice to live in a state where we have folks going to the National Championship game every year. Though my Auburn spies were heartbroken by the outcome of the game, I did get a few reports from the Rose Bowl.

One Tiger spy said former Auburn basketball star and NBA player Charles Barkley was walking right in front of them on their way into the stadium. Nice to see Sir Charles mingling among the regular folk. Also, the beer prices were crazy high and it apparently took forever to go to the bathroom. I guess the first problem may have helped with the second.

There’s a tear in my pancake

Naturally disappointed in Auburn’s last-minute loss to FSU, one Auburn fan decided to go off on Bama fans on an Alabama Facebook page, challenging them to a syrup-infused duel.

“I’m so pissed right now I’d fight all you dumb bams at the same damn time. I going (sic) to go eat some pancakes at the Huddle House to cheer me up. If y’all want to fight that’s where I will be. The mutha f*ckin Huddle House in Alex City. On my way now,” the devastated fan wrote. You can imagine the responses, but we hope his pancakes made him feel better.

No word on if any “dumb bams” showed up to take him up on his offer, but the Boozester would not be surprised. Maybe the “Alabama mom” from the Sugar Bowl could have come and kickboxed with him. Win! Win! Football in Alabama, y’all, there are idiot redneck fans on both sides.

Pardon me do you have any Gray Pooped-On pants?

It seems a rather toasted man at one local Midtown-ish bar was trying to pick himself up a lady recently to no avail. It may have been the fact that most of the ladies there on the night in question were into other ladies. Oops. That does complicate things.

A bigger problem may have been that when he got up to put money in the jukebox he revealed a stain on the back of his pants that could only be described as looking like he may have number two-ed himself. Hey, everyone has an off night. Men who soil themselves need love too.

Well kids, that’s all I have this time. Hope you all thawed out evenly and are getting ready for Senior Bowl and the Gras. Just remember, whether rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous, or some plain ol’ MoonPie cake lovin’, I will be there. Ciao!