Holy hand sanitizer!
Move over SARS, Zika and H1N1, there’s a new virus in town, and it’s making everyone a little crazy. Is insanity one of the symptoms of the coronavirus?
Sure, if you are older or have an underlying health condition you probably shouldn’t be making plans to go on a cruise or crowd-surfing at Coachella any time soon, but for the rest of us, there is really no need to stock up on toilet paper and Beanie Weenies just yet (although those two items may go hand in hand).
Of course, any pandemic or outbreak should be taken seriously, and no one wants to get COVID-19 any more than they want the common cold, flu or COVID-18, but we need to keep things in perspective — 80 percent of the people who come down with the virus only have mild to moderate symptoms and recover completely. I just hope my 401(k) is as lucky. (Can I give it fluids? Will that help? Can we invest in Purell stock?)
In any case, you should stop washing your hands and touching your face as frequently as possible. Strike that, reverse it.
In all seriousness, I have no doubt we are going to kick corona to the curb. We all just need to be smart, cautious and extra hygienic, while making sure our grannies stay on guard. Full disclosure: I am not a doctor, I just play one on these pages.
While I may not be able to cure your corona, if you find yourself endlessly obsessing over this and need other things to worry about, I can help you out there. Just focus on one of the following non-virus topics and the thought of buying 48 packs of Charmin will not even cross your mind.
– If you aren’t really in love with either of them, but find yourself voting in the Alabama Republican Senate runoff March 31, which way do you go? Former U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions or former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville?
Though current polling seems to indicate Tubby has quite the lead, this is a tough one.
From a purely pragmatic standpoint, former U.S. Attorney General and Senator Jeff Sessions would be the better choice. Not because you have to like him or anything he has done, but because a system they have in place in the Senate gives points to incoming senators for previous political service. They use that system to determine who gets to pick committee assignments first. Sessions would certainly be close to the first in line, if not the first. Tubs most certainly would not.
Does it matter?
While I, too, hate lifelong politicians, it is the system we currently live in. And with our other senator, 85-year-old Richard “Bring Home the Bacon” Shelby possibly about to retire, at least some level of seniority may be important now more than ever. We deserve as much pork as the rest of the other 49! Oink! Oink! Plus, he’s from South Alabama, and that would be good for us.
But, trust me, I know, watching Sessions take abuse from President Trump right up until he fired him and then willingly signing up for more of it? Well, as my 10-year-old son would say, “It’s just so cringe!”
Is a good committee assignment worth watching this slow and painful castration in the public square any longer? I swear I don’t know if I can take it. I wish Sessions would just come out and say, “I like the president’s policies and will support them, but I can’t stand that Mother F-er. He’s been a real a-hole to me and I’d love to kick his ass.” I could respect that.
Because wouldn’t that be the human response to the treatment he has endured? Of course it is! But he can’t do that because he’s scared, and so here we are: the choice between a football coach who has no idea how to play this particular ballgame or the Tina Turner of Washington. (In this analogy, Sessions is pre-comeback Tina, and Trump is Ike, in case that wasn’t clear.)
Sigh. This is depressing. Maybe we should think about coronavirus more. Let’s do that.
– How many times have you touched your face since people told you not to touch your face? You want to do it right now, don’t you? Crazy how that works! Don’t rub your eyes! I bet you are thinking about it now. Don’t do it! Don’t do it! I bet they are watering. Don’t do it! Awww, you did it! Go straight to wash your face and your hands … again. And do not collect $200.
My husband read something off the internet that said if you start singing “Come on COVID” to the tune of “Come on Eileen,” you would not be able to get it out of your head. It’s pretty catchy, BUT I find the bigger earworm to be “My Corona” instead of “My Sharona.”
In a separate but related note, I just realized how “cringe” the lyrics are to “My Sharona.”
Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one
When you gonna give me some time, Sharona
Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run
Got it coming off o’ the line, Sharona
Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind
I always get it up, for the touch of the younger kind
My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
“I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind?” Yikes! Roy Moore, did you write this? Holy hand sanitizer! I’m done. I’m going to Sam’s to buy some Charmin.
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