This week we celebrate the cheesiest of all of our holidays. Of course, I am not talking about Fat Tuesday. There is nothing cheesy about it. Maybe raunchy, but certainly not cheesy. No, I am, of course, referring to Valentine’s Day. A day where single people get depressed that they are alone and people with significant others get depressed that they have to buy boxes of chocolate, Vermont teddy bears or other really stupid things to commemorate their love.

How did we come to celebrate this day?

No one is certain, but one theory seems to suggest it is tied to Saint Valentine of Rome, who was imprisoned and executed for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry. Legend has it that just before his execution he wrote a letter and signed it, “Your Valentine.” Awwwww! So sweet! Nothing like a good execution love letter!

Flower shops, chocolate factories, jewelry and lingerie stores all saw it as a way to make money, so they began heavily promoting the day. But it’s not just flowers and chocolates anymore. Absolutely everyone has gotten in on this game, thus the complaints of its over-commercialization.

Just this morning, I received emails from Sam’s Club and Amazon on ideas for the perfect Valentine’s Day gifts for that special someone. Sam’s is peddling “surf and turf” bundles and chocolate-covered strawberries. Nothing says love like a piece of steak from Sam’s Club. Amazon thinks your Valentine needs Alexa.

“Alexa, how stupid is Valentine’s Day?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know that,” Alexa says.

“Well, I can tell you. It’s really dumb, girl.”

Another website I happened upon had a list of the “cutest ways” to celebrate Valentine’s Day to get away from the commercialism. Some of the precious things they suggested included making snow angels, ice skating (because everyone knows a rink is romantic!), and midnight skinny dipping in a creek or bay. These “cute” ideas make me think hypothermia, broken ankles and swimming in sewage. How romantic!

Another site suggested an even creepier alternative way to celebrate the big day on the cheap. Reader’s Digest, the publication found in grandparents’ bathrooms across the country, thinks you should swap homes with your friends on Valentine’s night.

“Feel like a getaway? Can’t afford to spend on a hotel room? Try swapping homes with your friends. Building a fire and watching a video at someone else’s house changes the atmosphere and the mood,” the post suggests.

Ewwwww. Are you supposed to exchange lingerie and have sexy time in their bed too? This just seems like the weirdest way to spend Valentine’s Day of all time. And sort of swingery. I would expect this from Cosmopolitan but Reader’s Digest? What are our grandparents up to? No, no, no. I don’t want to think about this.

Another author, who must be the cheapest man on the planet and most likely single, offered these two ways to celebrate: 1) A little unconventional, but head on over to Sam’s or Costco and load up on free samples. (Are you kidding me? If you are going the Sam’s route at least get the surf and turf special, for heaven’s sake!); 2) Flowers: order with your friends for “bulk” discounts, or pick “standalone” flowers and make your own bouquet to save money. (Hmmmm. Maybe he is onto something here. Gentlemen, head on over to downtown Fairhope and get to picking! No need to call that pricey florist!)

A site geared toward younger girls suggested you take sexy photos of yourself and send them to him while he’s at work. Girls, do not do this. I repeat, do not do this. Only bad things can come from this.

I wouldn’t trust this site anyway, because they also suggest using pizza condoms to spice up the night. Three thoughts on this: Yes, apparently there is such a thing. No, they aren’t flavored like pizza. Finally, is there a sausage joke here?

Sigh. These suggestions are just so ridiculous.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to poo-poo on love. I love love. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is grand. Love is all you need.

So cliché but so true. I would be lost without my sweet husband. He is my best friend, he makes me laugh every day, is an amazing father to my children and the man who just takes care of me in so many big and small ways — not because I ask him to, he just does. I don’t need to give him a rubbery lobster tail from Sam’s Club (or free samples) or house swap with my friends to let him know this. We tell each other every single day.

Although I will say steak is sounding pretty good about now. Maybe I will pick up some filets to throw on the grill, you know, for love. Medium rare. Butter. Be still my heart. Happy Valentine’s Day indeed!