Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Even though there is a shortage of collard greens nationwide, you’ll find the New Year’s Day staple plentiful in South Alabama and in stock at Burris Farm Market. Your New Year’s resolution is to lose enough weight to not be judged by an OWA roller coaster attendant.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — As the government shutdown stretches into its third week, you roll the dice and decide not to file taxes this year just to see if anyone notices. Your resolution is to eat the world’s largest MoonPie incrementally, in single-size MoonPie packaging.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In the latest in a string of bad bets, you’ll drive over to Biloxi to wager that the University of Central Florida will win the College Football Playoffs. Your New Year’s resolution is to start a savings account to pay for future trips across the I-10 toll bridge.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You’ll start a GoFundMe account to pay for fines accumulated by long shot political candidates who apparently have a hard time following simple instructions. Your New Year’s resolution is to close all the campaign finance loopholes in Alabama politics.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Extending the Mobile Opera’s “Seven Days of Opera,” you’ll spend the eighth day conversing in bel canto. Your New Year’s resolution is to open more campaign finance loopholes in Alabama politics.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll file a patent for a combination rain jacket with long-johns lining that is appropriate to be worn exactly one week each year in Alabama. Your New Year’s resolution is to step out of the spotlight.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll accidentally choke on the lucky dime in the black-eyed peas. The prophecy will immediately redeem itself when you’re saved by the Heimlich maneuver. Your New Year’s resolution is to go pretty hard all year long.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — With college football season coming to a close, you should adjust your schedule again to avoid Target during peak shopping hours. Your New Year’s resolution is to broker a peace treaty between Mayor Sandy Stimpson and the Mobile City Council.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Hearing that state employment records set a benchmark in 2018, you consider a mid-career move to a mediocre manufacturing job. Your New Year’s resolution is to broker a peace treaty between Mayor Sandy Stimpson and the Fairhope City Council.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Regaining your sight after temporary blindness from the city’s laser light show, you’ll find the world is recovering from a post-apocalyptic suicide epidemic. Your New Year’s resolution is to broker a peace treaty between Mayor Jimmie Gardner and the Prichard City Council.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — It’s your favorite time of year. Not the holidays, but when the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s annual database of emergency room visits for rectum obstructions is released. Your New Year’s resolution is to abandon the city for some nice, quiet acreage in the county.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Reading about a Dauphin Island Sea Lab study of how a short snapper season affects fishing habits, you set out to explore how Walmart’s always-low prices affect hot dog eating habits. Your New Year’s resolution is to finally buy a new pair of boots.