Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — It’s been a big year for you and you should ride the momentum into 2018. You should also crank up that new jam from Cardi B. Your New Year’s resolution is to be more humble.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You know better than to spend the first day of the year with a hangover. Don’t be a killjoy, though — go ahead and treat yourself to seconds at the New Year’s feast. Your New Year’s resolution is to learn from the past.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’re not George Clinton, but they’ll call you P-Funk after you forget to wash your gym clothes for a week. You’ll wonder why bath bombs cost, like, $1,000 each. Your New Year’s resolution is to not take it personally.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — The year-end countdown just isn’t the same for you with Kathy Griffin’s absence from CNN. Fill the void with Time Magazine’s collection of “Mediocre Comedians of the 20th Century.” Your New Year’s resolution is to settle your ass down.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — There’s no better time than now to participate in the Flora-Bama’s Polar Bear Dip. Just don’t forget to shave first because it’s also the height of Alabama’s hunting season. Your New Year’s resolution is to feel content.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Here’s an idea: To avoid long lines and traffic, wait to make holiday gift returns until Alabama’s appearance in the College Football Playoff. Your New Year’s resolution is to get your head out of the clouds.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Don’t go too hard on New Year’s, remember the first Mardi Gras parade is Jan. 13. If you play your cards right the ball will descend … in bed. Your New Year’s resolution is to be more easygoing.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll accidentally swallow the dime in the black-eyed peas. Not to worry, however, it’ll pass easier than that silver dollar grandma once baked into your graduation cake. Your New Year’s resolution is to step out of the spotlight.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Your 15-year quest to replace the traditional New Year’s singing of “Auld Lang Syne” with Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” will die a silent death in 2018. Your New Year’s resolution is to impart your wisdom to others.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — The lights and sounds of fireworks will aggravate your PTSD, causing a flashback to the torture you used to receive as a kid when other kids threw bang snaps at your feet. Your New Year’s resolution is to be more decisive.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your significant other won’t be impressed when you give them a wet willy at midnight instead of the traditional kiss. Your New Year’s resolution is to embrace others’ differences.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — The saddest of stars will align and you’ll find yourself eating alone at a Chinese buffet. Save face and choose the healthy options. Your New Year’s resolution is to focus.