Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Your family will be fractured after a debate about whether Leyland cypress trees are comparable to Douglas firs. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is a shiny new Mercedes just like in the commercials.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Your Christmas will almost turn tragic as you’re slowly suffocated by discarded gift wrapping and cardboard. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is a simple bar of Toblerone, which I guess you’ll have to buy yourself.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With the pressures of the #metoo movement, you’ll tell the person you meet under the mistletoe how much you respect them, shake hands and move on. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is perfect weather.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Anticipating the vast spoils of the Republican tax bill, you’ll max out your credit card this Christmas to treat yourself and others. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is paid-off debt.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll speak with James Stewart’s accent until you’re either imparted with an important life lesson or someone punches you in the face. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is avoiding “Miracle on 34th Street.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll bashfully admit you thought the only difference between Hasidic and Orthodox Jews was the way they spell “Hanukkah.” Your unrealized Christmas miracle is a life finally free of pets.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll contract a simple case of herpes after accepting a double-dog dare to lick an unfrozen flagpole. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is someone else offering to do the dishes.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — When your gift-giving prowess is at risk of being one-upped, you’ll tell someone their other gift is still in the mail. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is a room full of puppies.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll lose custody of your children after accidentally leaving them behind in a mad rush to meet an international flight. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is the resurgence of Macaulay Culkin’s career.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — In an American twist on Boxing Day, you’ll have guests over for tea and crumpets, then beat the crap out of each other. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is the ability to ice skate.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be cast out of the choir for singing the opening lines of “Christmas Is the Time to Say ‘I Love You.’” Your unrealized Christmas miracle is a two-octave vocal range.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll nearly start another civil war by introducing your Southern family to mulled cider in lieu of traditional eggnog. Your unrealized Christmas miracle is being able to guess what a present is by shaking it.
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