Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In need of a bit of a thawing out, turn the oven on and leave the door open for heat. Also try lining your coat with warm pancakes. Between now and Mardi Gras, thin out your collection of plastic drinkware.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With college football season coming to a close, you should adjust your schedule again to avoid Wal-Mart during peak hours. Between now and Mardi Gras, prepare for the most politically correct Comic Cowboys parade ever.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be forced to reconcile your curiosity of ice skating with your disinterest in ever attempting it. Between now and Mardi Gras, buy a few extra packages of pocket-sized Purell.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Just when you thought it was over, here comes the Senior Bowl! The winning scavenger hunt item is Baker Mayfield’s autograph on your chest. Between now and Mardi Gras, plan a way to honor the Martin Luther King, Jr. Day of Service.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — “How’s that New Year, New You thingy workin’ out?” One may ask, in a Sarah Palin accent with a slow blink. Between now and Mardi Gras, start calling around to find out if fresh crawfish are available again.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Envision a world where an A&M Peanut Shop is on every corner. Probably a lot of allergic people would be hospitalized. Between now and Mardi Gras, go ahead and try at least one different King Cake every week.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Cook creatively in the new year. Now is the time to “drop a new recipe on that ass,” as promised. Between now and Mardi Gras, remind your significant other daily to not forget about Valentine’s Day.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Now that octogenarians are getting shot during robberies in broad daylight in Mobile, you rethink that decision not to retire to the Eastern Shore. Between now and Mardi Gras, try to learn a little bit about the new tax laws.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — “The only answer for the City Council, or for any government anywhere for that matter, is to dissolve the presidency, obviously,” you say, slowly sipping a southern cocktail. Between now and Mardi Gras, replace your standard business cards with personalized doubloons.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You and a like-minded coalition of the willing form a shadow government to institute the policies of the Fairhope mayor. Between now and Mardi Gras, consider buying a king size heated blanket.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In a hastily written letter to the editor, you’ll demand they move the MoonPie drop to noon in June, to accommodate (potentially) better weather. Between now and Mardi Gras, try to play a game as satisfying as “Duck Hunt.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ve waited all for this — long johns weather — so don’t let the naysayers get you down. Go early ‘90s and pair it up with flannel. Between now and Mardi Gras, invest in the stock market.
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