Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — It’s not exactly Willy Wonka’s factory, but when you hear about Frios Gourmet Pops moving its headquarters to Mobile, you get ready to infiltrate the facility and stuff your face like Violet Beauregarde.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Saddened that Medicaid expansion likely won’t be a focus of the upcoming legislative session, you update your end-of-life plans to include a recipe for turning your young corpse into Buc-ee’s newest flavor of jerky.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Still bitter about the Saints’ loss in the NFC Championship Game, you boycott the Super Bowl and spend Sunday in character as the duo from Saturday Night Live’s recent “N’Awlins” skit instead.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In an attempt to avoid taxes and fees on your latest golf outing and out-of-state hotel booking, you package the expenses in a vague invoice and submit them to the statewide 911 Board for appropriate laundering.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As a fan of shady Republican political operatives, body modification and redundancy, you’ll get a full back tattoo of Roger Stone, depicting Stone’s back tattoo of Richard Nixon.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Learning that the official name for Big Creek Lake is the Converse Reservoir, you start a petition to rename it after Jonghyun from Shinee.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Reacting to State Auditor Jim Zeigler’s criticism of Arizona Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s “inappropriate attire,” you wear a short dress and knee-high boots to Roy Moore’s next press conference.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After reading a column about a 10-year wedding anniversary, you realize the only relationship you’ve had that has lasted that long has been with pets.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — With only three weeks to plan before the government shuts down again, you charter a fishing boat to smuggle struggling Venezuelans past the Coast Guard.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Stoked about the indie rock band Pain’s reincarnation as Salvo, you stock up on bottle rockets and Roman candles in anticipation of your first fireworks war since your lip was nearly blown off in 10th grade.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Inspired by Cliff Sims’ tell-all of the Trump Administration in his new book “Team of Vipers,” you write a tell-all about his tenure at Yellowhammer News, “Team of Shills.”
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Hearing about the new book on meth published by the Mobile County Sheriff’s Office, you’ll wonder when Sam Cochran will share his secrets about how to buy a plane with taxpayer money and travel for free.