Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Left uninspired and somewhat worried after President Trump’s State of the Union speech, you’ll head to the hardware and outdoor stores to get fresh supplies for your bug-out bag.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — When sometime during the Super Bowl halftime show you suddenly realized what a tool you look like with your cliché tattoos, you invest in incremental laser-removal sessions.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Hearing that the Alabama Attorney General’s Office has cleared a Hoover police officer in the shooting death of E.J. Bradford Jr., you enroll in an Alabama police academy so you can play real-life Fortnite.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While even as a liberal you cringe at New York’s recent abortion legislation, you wish the law went further to legalize the abortion of adult white male conservative news commentators .
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Unconvinced by some bougie food writer’s opinion of fast-food chicken biscuits, you continue to fatten yourself weekly with Hardee’s made-from-scratch recipe, if only for convenience.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Still distraught over the revelation of 21 Savage’s true nationality, you will be more disturbed to discover recent DNA tests concluding Mister Rogers is, in fact, Canadian.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’re right at home this Chinese New Year — the Year of the Pig. Fatten yourself up and be the hero when Alabama Power’s coal ash dam breaks — you can plug the breach with your immense mass.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Learning about the Prichard Water Board’s talking trash cans, you purchase a pair so you can program them with daily affirmations.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Most recently disappointed by Liam Neeson’s inherent racism, it appears his very particular set of skills does not include acceptance and cultural sensitivity.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Tired of always being on the standby lists of sold-out local theater productions, you recommend they combine forces and perform at the nearly always empty Ladd-Peebles Stadium.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In a show of freedom and solidarity, you’ll commandeer the biggest yacht at the Mobile Boat Show so you can motor down to South America and rescue dozens of suffering Venezuelans.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Inspired by Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam’s outing as a wearer of blackface, you make it a new mission to find and review the high school and collegiate yearbooks of Alabama’s entire legislative delegation.