Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Your significant other will get on your bad side when you discover your lover has eaten the last sleeve of Oreo cookies and left you with only crumbs. Your sweetheart incurred your wrath once for purchasing standard Oreos as opposed to the “Double Stuft” delights. You “calmly” explained then that you get double the creamy goodness for the same price. That was bad, but heartlessly leaving none of the treats behind is unacceptable. You will furiously type up an 80-page “Cookie Etiquette Manifesto,” but it will go unread.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Spurred on by the recent success of a competitor, you will also try to “hack” JEOPARDY! Your motivation for success won’t be the money. Your prize will be much sweeter. An appearance on the show would help you pursue your goal of face-kicking that hoser Alex Trebek. What is…a broken nose, Alex? Unfortunately, your dreams will be quashed when you’re eliminated from a computer-based qualifying round for not knowing enough about the Periodic Table. Someone, whose name starts with the letter “T” — or maybe it’s “B,” whatever I don’t know — will pull an April Fool’s prank on you.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You will earn the nickname “The Chef” around town after an April Fool’s prank goes terribly wrong. You will attempt to infiltrate the seedy underbelly of Mobile while filling baggies with delicious oregano and trying to dupe spring breakers into buying your special brand of dope. You will be discovered as a fraud when one of your new college-aged friends sprinkles the “drug” on a pizza and will find it to be delightful. You will get a haircut this week, because everyone knows you need one.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) – You will be mystified when you discover your yard will be freshly raked while you’ve been away from the house. Instead of leaving it alone, like a normal person, you will decide a nosy neighbor crossed the line and was questioning the tidiness of your lawn. In a fit of hysterical rage you will scoop up the rain-soaked leaves into your bare arms and systematically deposit them in each neighbor’s yard. Don’t let your guard down this week, someone will attempt to prank you, and if you’re not careful it’ll work.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – You will soon lose some weight. Your diet will remain the same, but your car will break down forcing you to ride an old, rusty bike five miles to work. Normally that wouldn’t be bad in March, but the city’s weather will be feeling quite schizophrenic, with highs reaching nearly 80 and lows close to 30. If this wasn’t bad enough, it will rain for five days straight. The week’s events will put you in the most unsavory of moods. You will hate-eat until all the weight you lost comes back.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) – Mary Poppins popularized the phrase “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down,” but as you will find out on April Fool’s Day, nothing is helped by a spoonful of cinnamon. You will ingest the spice as part of a prank and will immediately regret the decision. Your eyes will water, you will cough out expletives that will sound a little like “supercalafragalisticexpialadoshus,” but they won’t be safe for children. You will find $20 on the ground, but will promptly forget about it in the pocket of your jeans.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You will be detained and put in “baseball jail” after a run in at opening night for the Mobile BayBears at Hank Aaron Stadium. You will run onto the field and attack the mascot after you become convinced that he’s targeting you with the T-shirt cannon. You can blame the $2 brews if you like, but the bruises and fresh TAZER marks will tell the story the next morning. You should know that when facing a confrontation with a bear, fake and fuzzy or otherwise, it’s always better to play dead.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Inspired by media reports about the creator of bitcoin, you decide to come out as Satoshi Yakamoto. You will be immediately be mobbed by media, but they’ll soon discover you as a fraud when they notice your weak grasp of algebra. Your math teacher always said the discipline had real-world applications, now you finally know what that meant. You could’ve used algebra to trick the world, but instead the whole world will laugh at you. Someone close to you will betray you by telling friends you still sleep with a baby blanket.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You will make a stranger’s day when you fall flat on your face on the sidewalk. Sure it’ll hurt, but at least someone is smiling because of it. You will brush yourself off and spin your head around to see if anyone was watching. You’ll convince yourself that no one was, but you’ll be wrong. That’ll teach you to walk and text at the same time. Don’t eat the complimentary snacks at your local bar, it’s not bad luck, it’s just gross.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – A trip to the dentist will go terribly wrong when the evil doctor will begin to drill you without the proper amount of Novocain. The instrument of pain in your mouth will keep you quiet, but your eyes will be screaming. You will start to get upset with the dentist until you realize the real reason for your pain goes back to the feast of candy that you said you were going to give up for Lent, but didn’t. You only have yourself to blame.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) – You decide to give up rage for Lent because it’s the Christian thing to do, but the Lord will begin testing your resolve. A tiny patch of fog on the Bayway will cause a three-hour delay on your commute home. You will contemplate jumping in the gator-infested water, and swimming to speed up your commute, but decide instead to hate-stare at the suited man in the Mazda Miata who can’t decide which lane is the fastest. You will get good news from the doctor this week; it’s just a rash.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – You will get in a heated debate with a colleague over the use of the Oxford comma. You and everyone else under the age of 80 years old knows that bit of grammatical nonsense is outdated, but your colleague will be undaunted in her support for it. Anger will boil over while reading the colleague’s proposal, which will result in you “making it rain” office paper in your building. Some people just can’t understand logic. You will feel lucky, happy, ashamed, giddy, aroused, bemused, and embarrassed this week.