Aquarius (1/20-2/18) – Bad fortune will befall you once again. After gorging yourself on your one true weakness, sauerkraut from LoDa Biergarten, you attend a parade with the hopes of snagging MoonPies for dessert. As you reach up for the decadent throw, a cabbage-infused bomb explodes along your gastrointestinal tract. You luck out, as the off-putting sound is confused for a marching band tuba. Unfortunately, the smell will force a small child to collapse on the sidewalk, and your cheeks will blush with embarrassment.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) – There is travel in your future, but before you get too excited, it’s a trip to New Orleans. You will run afoul in the Crescent City when you hear an aggressively drunken individual challenge the one true fact all Mobilians know, that Mardi Gras began in our city. You will black out from rage after calling that individual a liar and wake up in the back of a police car with no memory of the previous night. Speaking of liars, the phrase “it takes one to know one” comes to mind. Some of your very tall tales will soon catch up to you.

Aries (3/21-4/19) – You will come face-to-face with your biggest fear this week, when an unfortunate Carnival-related bathroom emergency forces you to drop trow in what you have previously described to friends as “my Everest.” On the bright side, facing your fears helps to build character. The best advice would be to stay away from caramel-covered funnel cakes. Speaking of food, you will have the unique experience of trying the newly minted pomegranate MoonPie because, let’s face it, pomegranate hasn’t found itself in enough goodies.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) – Your best friend will ascend to Mardi Gras ball royalty and this will upset you because the individual isn’t really your BFF. You’re nice to this individual’s face, but can’t resist talking smack behind their back. This envy will literally catch up to you, as you will be discovered eagerly drawing little mustaches on all their pictures from that evening. On the bright side, your royal friend will want nothing to do with you. You will score your favorite throw at this year’s festivities, a dumb jester’s hat.

Gemini (5/21-6/21) – You will become really sensitive about the cold morning temperatures when you lock yourself out of the house naked. Your history of absent mindedness will bare itself – as you bare all – to your neighbors. In your defense, though, you had nowhere to put keys. Nosy neighbors stare at you while you belly flop into the living room through an open window. Keep your head on a swivel this Mardi Gras season, there’s a 10-pound “Alf” doll with your name on it.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) – Heads will turn at the local watering hole when you step out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe. You won’t notice and, of course, nobody will tell you, but they’ll laugh behind your back as you get down to “I’m Sexy and I know it.” The nightmare will end when someone inadvertently steps on the stowaway. Your lucky number is 69 … as that’s your order number at Waffle House.

Leo (7/23-8/23) – You will interact with a Libra with Costas-level pink eye, the results of which will be disastrous. The resulting illness will force you to stay at home and miss some of the finest parades our city has to offer. To make matters worse, a cable malfunction will force you to watch only Michael Bay movies during your time alone. You will be found several days later huddled in the corner of the room shaking and mumbling obscenities to no one in particular. Avoid plastic beads, if you can.

Virgo (8/23-9/22) – Your first foray into bar trivia will go terribly awry when your sweetheart second-guesses your knowledge of the Ming Dynasty. A snide remark about your loved one’s intelligence will result in a drink to the face, but you will be undaunted in your pursuit of quiz glory. You will win the battle but lose the war, as your sweetie will have some choice words for you at the end of the match. Don’t worry, though, it’s nothing that a gift certificate to Hardee’s won’t be able to fix. Your lucky number is 13, that can’t be good.

Libra (9/23-10/22) – You will get pink eye and thus begin to spread the highly contagious illness all over town because you’re one of those “touchy feely” people. Stop it! Work on your hygiene as well. You clearly have a cleanliness issue. You will spend several nights alone, with only delicious MoonPies to soothe the pain of your loneliness. You will blame the pink eye for your troubles, but deep down you know that’s not your only problem. Try not to stand behind a tall man with a net.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) – Your co-workers will become concerned with your level of Batman knowledge when you begin to ramble about the Riddler, Poison Ivy and Mr. Freeze. Don’t worry, there are far more embarrassing things on the horizon for you. More bad fortune befalls you when you discover that all of your Christian Bale fan letters were returned unread. Your spirits are lifted, however, when you’re accepted into the Ben Affleck fan club. Your lucky Mardi Gras throw this year will be a headless teddy bear.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) – Your worst nightmare will become a reality when you wake up at your ex’s place following a night of too much Mardi Gras revelry. You will run into them the night before at a parade and it will be awkward for everyone until the drinks start flowing. You will get increasing chummier until you decide to go for broke and take a giant step backwards. Worst of all, your ex thinks you’re back together. You will need to have a long, painful conversation. Beware of Mardi Gras street corn dogs.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19) – Your excitement over your first-ever Mardi Gras parade aboard a float is quickly doused when you fall over the side while attempting to Frisbee a MoonPie to your buddy in the crowd. Your fall will result in a severely bruised tailbone and an even more severely bruised ego, as you find out the MoonPie friend posted the incident to YouTube. On the bright side, you’ll be trending. You shouldn’t ever play the lottery. You won’t ever win. It’s hopeless.