Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Excited about the prospect of reading Harper Lee’s first new novel since “To Kill A Mockingbird,” you are perplexed to discover it is actually labeled in the Young Adult genre. Receiving an advance copy, you are delighted that the 88-year-old recluse can still pen a page-turner, not about crime and justice in a racially divided America, but about an awkward teenager named Carla spurned by her first true love, Brad. You sigh longingly as the protagonist resolves her conflicts with the assistance of an unlikely narrator. Feeling free, you break out your stone-washed denim.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Disappointed that a widely-known maker of overpriced coolers stole your million-dollar idea to market a $30 koozie to the lucrative white, professional, former frat brother demographic, you steer all your research and development dollars toward a new endeavor. It’s a line of electronic filet knives, specific to the species, that simultaneously skins and sears the flesh, providing the freshest form of dining, right off the boat. But after chefs in a test kitchen report horrible injuries, you receive a cease and desist order from the Federal Trade Commission. Six months later, Yeti releases its newest product: Slice & Sear ®. Retail price? $600.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Learning all about the quirky world of cosplay, you decide to get into the act by reviving a random cartoon character from your past. But you receive a cold reception when you assume the identity of Ma Beagle, matriarch of the Beagle Boys, nemesis of Scrooge McDuck and his nephews from the short-lived Saturday morning animated series DuckTales. You didn’t intend to ruffle any feathers, but things will end badly when you add a mock Tommy gun to your outfit and wander into the bank one day to innocently cash a check.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Your grief over an ending romance will take a strange form. You’ll begin to sympathy bake everything from crusty French bread to American apple pie, in the name of love. You’ll also eat out of sympathy and gain a few pounds. Movement will begin to require too much effort and will result in chest pains. After a doctor’s visit reveals you’re on death’s doorstep, you’ll eventually be forced to take in a “sadness salad” from time to time.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You’ll begin to make amends with the Lord over the ill-advised omission of rage over people who upset you. You’ll say several Our Fathers in hopes that you’ll regain the grace you’ve been taught, from childhood, is important. You’ll begin to take out your rage by running pedestrians over through the newest Grand Theft Auto video game. Nothing soothes a tortured soul more than watching members of a chain gang struggle to get away from certain disaster when a colleague is run over by the Corvette Stingray.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Your lover will try unsuccessfully to explain that the culinary adultery began because you’re a picky eater who doesn’t enjoy food that anyone over the age of 12 should enjoy. Your rage will build as your significant other explains that the unfaithfulness started with a trip to the new Red or White, but quickly became a whirlwind romance of Callaghan’s, The Bull, Osman’s and even Moe’s. The most harmful aspect of the entire escapade will be that your lover will admit to not thinking of you while doing the unthinkable.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — You’ve spent far too much time over the past few days running and rerunning Pete Carroll’s disastrous final call in the Super Bowl — to the point where you’ve been running mock plays in your living room using a recliner as Marshawn Lynch to score the winning touchdown. Settle down. Let’s be honest, these are two teams and two coaches no one likes anyway, so move on. Get back to reenacting the JFK assassination in your living room with that same recliner as Lee Harvey Oswald. A trip to an Asian buffet causes you to question your taste. Your lucky number is 3.14.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — Your parents are out of town, and even though you’re old enough that wrinkle cream commercials interest you, it’s still a great time to sneak back in and live it up in their place. Drink their booze and replace it with water. Get freaky in every room in the house, but take photos ahead of time so you can put things back in place. Your dad notices everything. One of the Press-Register’s bags of ads blows all over your yard next week prompting you to buy a Nerf gun to shoot at the delivery guy the following week. Perhaps a bit extreme.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You’re going to have serious insomnia in the coming week, so figure out something to do other than just staring at the ceiling. It might be a good week to start reading something really long and boring. “War and Peace” comes to mind. Spoiler: there’s war, then peace. Your best bet is to stock up on NyQuil. A neighbor has been driving you crazy by playing ‘80s music too loud. Get even by pouring glitter all over his doorstep and letting him track it into the house and into his car. Good times. Avoid pork this week.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — After betting your home on a Seahawks victory in Super Bowl XLIX, you’ll devote the time your newfound homelessness brings you to locating and killing head coach Pete Carroll. After becoming devastatingly proficient with a knife, you’ll stake out Carroll’s home and finally break in on a rainy Seattle night. After grabbing the embattled coach from behind — your blade to his throat, a sure kill in sight — you’ll opt to drop back five yards and attempt a haphazard knife throw. Ironically, Carroll will intercept the toss and kill you with your own weapon.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — Tired of large business interests influencing public policy, you’ll travel to Washington D.C. to take on the “Gay Lobby,” which is no doubt behind the recent despicable attempts to legalize what God has so clearly condemned. To your surprise, you’ll discover that — as a lifestyle choice and not a well-funded industry — there is no such thing. Stupefied, you’ll eventually realize the location you’ve arrived at is a hotel themed bar for homosexual males. But always a fiscal conservative, not even a zealot like you can turn down $1 well drinks until 9 p.m — assless chaps be damned.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — After breaking a glass scale at work, you’ll come to the realization that your chances of winning the office weight loss pool is about as slim as you aren’t. After sweeping the shattered pieces under a conference table, you’ll start to sob as you head out the door for an early and extended lunch break at Hart’s Fried Chicken. However, as you squeeze your way into one of the prefabricated booths, you won’t be able to fight a smile. There’s no hurt in this world two breasts, a thigh, a biscuit, some gravy, okra and a sweet tea can’t cure.