Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – Your new Zoloft prescription will have you leveled out in no time — changing situations that used to cause unbridled rage and anxiety into moments that pass through the emotional spectrum like a warm spring day. After a few weeks of regimented use, your only stumbling block will be the regular occurrence of “nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and seeing or hearing things that are not there.” Remember, you can control your emotions, but you can’t control anything during a squirting hallucination.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – After getting pulled over for a suspected DUI, you’ll have the last laugh as A) You’ll be sober at the time and B) you’re a guitar-playing tightrope walker. After nailing the finger test, you’ll be asked walk a straight line, which you do on your hands while touching your nose with your big toe. Still unconvinced, the officer will require you to take a breathalyzer and you’ll pass with no problem officially sticking it to the man. They will find that cocaine in your butt though … so yeah.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – Inspired by a popular YouTube video in which an attractive young woman documents the verbal harassment she is subjected to while walking through New York City, you decide to produce one entitled “10 hours of a black guy walking through a white neighborhood.” Unfortunately the project is halted after your subject is interrogated, threatened, fired upon, beaten and arrested all within the first 15 minutes of filming. What little footage you do upload is called “shocking,” but everyone knows it’s really not.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Your libido is ignited after a typo changes your “grocery list” into “grocery lust.” The U and the I are neighbors on your keyboard, but who knew a single letter could transform the supermarket into a buffet of carnal passions? Now, the shape of fruits and vegetables gives you a tingling sensation. You nearly hyperventilate when you pass through the bakery. Control yourself, or there will be a cleanup on Aisle 11 after the dairy products stare at you with those bedroom eyes.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – Anticipating a sustained, nationwide race riot after the Ferguson grand jury decides not to press charges against officer Darryl Wilson, you decide to mix up your Christmas gifts this year. Instead of slingshots for the boys you’ll buy AR-15s. Instead of jewelry for the wife she’ll get a bulletproof vest. Instead of chocolate, stockings will be stuffed with first aid kits with cyanide capsules. There will be no Charlie Brown Christmas this year, this is a Michael Brown Christmas.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – The unemployed life will treat you well, at first. You’ll spend your carefree days in your underwear watching reruns of Frazier and Seinfeld and feeling so 1990s inside. You’ll soon find that television on weekday afternoons is not all it’s cracked up to be and once the food rations begin to dwindle, you begin to worry. After all, man cannot live on peanut butter and jelly alone, or can he? You’ll contemplate this question, while looking for a pair of socks to put on. It will be time to get out of the house and into a new job.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You will do your best to remember to say the “Our Father” before bed, but the pain in your legs will distract you. Two weeks after the horrific bus accident you will still have trouble getting around. Your significant other has been very understanding, if not a little annoyed. For instance, the bell that was given to you to ring whenever you needed anything has already been taking away and hidden in plain sight inches away from your grasp. You’ll have another few weeks off your feet.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – A chill will go up your spine at the sight of the piece of briny cucumber splayed across the cold metal top of your hot dog cart. Your eyes will well up because of the grief, or the smell of old vinegar. Word on the street will be the “Sour Krauts” want you to cease operations, but you won’t be able to stop because handing out red hots to hungry folks has become your dream job. You will grab your tongs and get set for the upcoming battle.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – A week from Thursday, one of your exes will get married. Shocked to hear about the news via Facebook rather than by way of a formal invitation, you’ll crash the wedding. You’ll indulge in a potent mixture of alcohol before heading to festivities, resulting in a highly intoxicated version of your former self. After barreling over several groups of people whilst participating in the Cupid Shuffle, you’ll be escorted off the premises and left to waller alone in your red wine and tequila mixed vomit.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – An attempt to recreate Kim Kardashian’s recent “champagne trick” will go horribly wrong, thanks to an unexpected wardrobe malfunction. A critical error in judgment will lead you to use a garbage bag to replicate the dress Kim wore during her photo shoot. Upon taping a glass to your behind, you’ll fail miserably when you try to effortlessly sling the bubbly liquid over your head and make it into the glass. Your footing will get caught in the plastic bag and instead of breaking the Internet, you’ll break your leg and ego instead.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – Feeling a hint of jealousy toward those who are experiencing snow flurries this time of year, you’ll take it upon yourself to ensure your neighborhood gets a bonafide white Christmas. You’ll proceed by making your own DIY snow machine right after decking your house in gaudy Christmas lights. Things will get complicated when you use real ice instead of fresh, fluffy white powder. You’ll become the next Clark Griswold when the faux snow starts to melt, causing the entire area’s Christmas lights to short circuit. BAZING!
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – After feeling puny for a few days, you’ll continue to go to work, convinced that you don’t have anything contagious. As your first co-worker falls ill you’ll think, “Eh, it’s just the weather changing and he doesn’t eat many vegetables.” After the fourth victim comes forward the evidence will be mounting and the sick masses will come-a-cough-calling. You’ll be tied up in the breakroom and slowly pelted with capsules of Dayquil until it’s finally broken up by a supervisor.
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