Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — You will go on a shower strike to “stick it to the water overlords in the city.” You will only be successful in irritating your coworkers, who file a HR complaint of the stench coming from your office. After accumulating a cornucopia of odors that would make Pigpen jealous, your boss demands you take some time off in order to clean yourself. Corporate CEOs just don’t understand the struggle of the every man.
Leo (7/21 – 8/23) — Something in the near future will finally make you turn your back on dumb puns. The sad day will arrive a week from tomorrow when coworkers participate in a classic “pun-off” via email. The riff will involve menu items for a pre-historic restaurant chain called Jurassic Pork. You will think the term “Sweet and stegosaurus chicken” and even “Triceratip roast” are good, but when your boss replies with “Iguanadog” you will lose all faith in humanity.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) — Getting drunk at the local “soccer bar” turns out badly for you. Securing a spot at the pub early for a quarterfinal World Cup match featuring Brazil and some team they’ll destroy, you will begin taking tequila shots in preparation. Before the referee signals halftime, you’ll be facedown, drooling on the bar. You’ll wake up with a Brazilian flag emblazoned across your face and a Brazilian wax downstairs as well. Your significant other will be confused when you stumble home.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You will commit a move known as the “John Cusack” at a local radio station that keeps playing the same songs day after day. As punishment for the annoyance, you’ll grab an old boom box, turn on some country music and stand outside the door of the station and flash hate eyes at anyone who passes you. It’s just a good thing you haven’t seen “War, Inc.” or the outcome could be much worse for everyone involved.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — During an especially demanding day at work, you’re going to fall into a “YouTube Trap.” Someone is going to send you a video of a cat that reminds them of your cat, and the next thing you know you’re going to be watching overdubbed scenes from “The Wonder Years.” When your supervisor asks you what’s funny, you’ll have to convince him that an anomaly in a spreadsheet gave you the giggles. He’ll think nothing of it and return to his office to watch adult videos, which he does almost constantly.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) — While commuting in the wee hours, you’ll fall casually in and out of sleep on the interstate. You’ll accidently take an exit at 83 mph and jump the overpass only to be jerked back to consciousness as your car hits the pavement. Unaware, you’ll slap yourself a couple of times just as the sleep overtakes you again— this time as you’re approaching the construction on the Dolly Parton Bridge. I won’t lie to you. That doesn’t end quite as well.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — You’ll take to the streets to protest the recent sentencing of three Egyptian journalists, only to find out no one in Alabama has the slightest idea what you’re talking about. After hearing you protest on behalf of two guys named Mohamed who work for an Al Jazeera, one concealed-carry enthusiast takes it upon himself to stop the Jihad from spreading its wings in America. Someone close to you will learn a whole heap about foreign media that day. You’ll learn a lot about exit wounds.
Aquarius (1/20 -2/18) — During a camping weekend, you’ll convince your friends that something is moving in the woods. A bear, a wolverine and an indigent sociopath are the most likely options whispered as your group cowers together in the tent. However, in the hour that passes, Sasquatch and El Chupacabra are never officially taken off the table. It turns out to be a large beaver with an unexplainable love for ghost stories. After hanging out for a while, the beaver heads back to his dam because he can’t sleep without a TV on.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — You’ll return from a vacation to the Florida Keys with a sunburn and a rash. You’ve never been allergic to shellfish, until Jimmy Buffet sat down next to you at an oyster bar in Key West. You tried to play it cool and strike up a conversation, but he fled after you started rapidly breaking out in crusty hives. As you return home to the comfort of a Calamine bath, you discover your liquor cabinet has been cleaned out and the pet dog you left behind with a sitter is pregnant. Turns out the mutt was inspired by a recording of “Why Don’t We Get Drunk” that was left on repeat in your absence.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — You are awakened in the middle of the night by a banging sound in the street that seems to grow louder and closer at predictable intervals. It reaches a crescendo right in front of your house, before growing quieter and eventually disappearing down the street. In the morning, you find scraped and crumpled fenders of a city-owned Ford Expedition strewn along the curb, when you realize it was just the fire chief trying to avoid all the potholes and sinkholes on your Midtown thoroughfare and hitting every telephone pole along the route.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — International business takes you to the Far East, where a key deal can at best unite the Korean peninsula or at worst, serve as a trigger for World War III. Always a planner, you have contingency plans for either scenario, and as you daydream about a champagne toast with a smiling Kim Jong-un, who has vowed to step aside and turn his nation over to democracy, you also consider a secret weapon to use if things turn south. To ease political tension that is prone to boil over, you are prepared to sacrifice South Korean pop sensation Psy, whose drawing and quartering will become the most-watched video of all time on the Internet.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You see a commercial for the Blue Angels and realize you’ve squandered your childhood dream of becoming a pilot. Looking for some quick and inexpensive lessons, you download a pirated copy of a flight simulator and spend the next seven hours trying to erratically land a Cessna on a pixelated runway. Just when you’ve gotten the hang of it, you decide to up the ante and jump off the RSA tower with a pair of cardboard and duct tape wings, like some sort of redneck Mary Poppins. Suddenly, “A Spoon Full of Sugar” is more relevant than ever, as you spit it through the wire like Kanye West in the emergency room.
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