Libra (9/23-10/22) — Feeling spiritual after the Pope’s visit to the U.S., you decide to practice good deeds daily. But feeding communal wafers to the homeless by the fistful and bathing them in “holy” water you blessed from the faucet only results in a reprimand from the Vatican itself. So you decide to fly under the radar with your latest ministry, “Gin for Sins,” where you offer to hear confessions while drinking an entire bottle of Bombay Sapphire.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When a Crimson Tide fan at your office admits he wishes Alabama would go back to the expectation level of the Mike Shula era, you’ll wonder why you call him a friend. While the thought of Derrick Henry running in the Shula jumbo package excites you, you’ll remember your senior year of college, when the Tide finished 6-6 and lost in the Music City Bowl. You can still be friendly to your co-worker, but you won’t be going out for lunch together any time soon.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — After years of warnings from your mother, your face will finally get stuck in that silly position. It’s funny at first, but after a few weeks, the expression will hamper your adult life. Your co-workers, who used to invite you to go bowling and out for lunch, will no longer look you in the eye when they talk to you. When you tell your dog to sit, he’ll pee on your leg in disrespect. In your next life you’ll remember “mother knows best.”
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — When a friend invites you over to help him build a back porch, you’ll discover just how much of a wuss you are. Using his reciprocating saw will cause your entire body to shake and your hands will start to bleed after a few minutes. You’ll try to hide the bleeding with work gloves, but you’ll be exposed as a fraud when he asks you to pass the wrench and you hand him a screwdriver. Embarrassed, you’ll retreat indoors and find your favorite PBS cooking show to pass the time.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After an intruder enters your home, you’ll do the only reasonable thing you can think of and reach for one of the two handguns you keep on your person at all times. Though the gentlemen looks mentally disabled, elderly and confused, you’re smart enough to know he’s one of Obama’s street “thugs” come to take your hard-earned goods and possessions. As any Christian would, you’ll shoot him between the eyes and then fist pump the air for a solid hour before finally calling the authorities.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After shopping at the new Whole Foods Market, you’ll finally start to see the benefits of the “superfoods” craze. At first you’ll notice some basic physical improvements, but as time goes on the changes in your eating habits will lead to more energy, clearer perception and eventually to full-on telekinesis. The trade-off is that, as your powers grow, you’ll start to be tracked by a covert federal agency that captures and executes “super foodies” — all of which will be highlight in your future biopic, “Whole Foods: Eat Kale, Raise Hell.”
Aries (3/21-4/19) — As an Auburn fan, you’ll begin to make the necessary preparations for what will most likely be a rough season for the War Eagle faithful. You destroy all your TVs, radios, computers and phones before taking down all identifying markings related to the team. Finally, you’ll fully commit to the idea you never were an Auburn fan and, in fact, don’t know what an Auburn is, was or might ever be. If your vacation time holds out, you should be able to slide back into a routine when you emerge from a windowless basement on Jan. 12.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll be forced to ignore announcements to the contrary when aliens land in Mobile in an attempt to save BayFest. They’ll revive the festival by bringing in only the top acts they gleaned from scanning the minds of unsuspecting humans. Everyone in the city will be excited for the new series of shows featuring Jimmy Buffett, Prince, Elton John and, for some reason, Nickelback. The entire human race will be thankful for the alien visitors. Unfortunately it’ll be discovered the little green men used Nickelback’s music to take over Earthlings’ minds.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Faced with the ultimate decision of whether to get doughnuts or not, you’ll eventually slide into a nearby shop on your way to work. You’ll start with buying two doughnuts and a chocolate milk for yourself. Although you could eat both in the car and chug the milk down with nobody being the wiser, you’ll instead buy a dozen for the entire office. Lucky for you, the shop’s millionth doughnut promotion will kick in with your purchase of the dozen. The prize is doughnuts for life. See, being nice does pay off.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After an impolite column in the Seattle Times picks on the Port City, officials will attempt to legalize marijuana and raise minimum wage to get back at the hippie haven. You’ll be tasked with lobbying for both laws in Montgomery. It will be a tough fight and will take several years, but each local bill will prevail. Who knew that Mobile would actually become a progressive city out of spite. The city’s economy and population will boom because of the measures. It truly will become a tourist destination.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — When the story leaks that British Prime Minister David Cameron was involved in a bizarre sexual rite-of-passage ritual in college, you speculate what youthful shenanigans the 2016 presidential candidates got into. Using the Internet, you begin to spread rumors for fun. Years from now, the Justice Department, under the direction of President Carly Fiorina, will crash through your front door and arrest you for defamation. Turns out, Fiorina did not replace a sea turtle’s shell with a Depends adult undergarment, and a jury will determine that representing it as fact was malicious intent.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Perplexed by actor Ryan Reynolds reportedly calling Mobile “beautiful” and “stunning,” you extend a personal invitation to lead him on a tour of the town’s seedier side. As you explain how Downtown’s viability was effectively murdered decades ago by short-sighted politicians driven only by their own greed, you also shed light on the pervasive “NIMBY” attitude and general indifference toward common goals existing today. After a tour of Dog River following a heavy rainfall, Reynolds will retract his statement, referring to the city as “shameful” and “hopeless” instead.