Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You realize there probably is no separation of church and state in at least one local municipality after you are emailed a link to a video of an elected official singing and playing guitar to a Christian-themed song she wrote herself. Although you are impressed by her vocal performance, you wonder if Jesus also put it in her heart to use her elected authority to appoint herself to a paying position on a quasi-governmental board. Luckily the town’s prayers are answered not by God, but by the state Ethics Commission, who warns the official to resign from the paying position immediately. You tithe a little more this week.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – You refuse both sleep and food until the New Orleans Saints promise to adopt your self-help book, “A Proven, Game-Winning Season Plan for Defeating Every Challenging Foe and Winning All Super Bowls.™” As the Saints continue to lose and you begin to die in late October, head coach Sean Payton reluctantly accepts. You become a hero to the Who Dat Nation after the defense adopts strategies including “How to Tackle Friends and Influence People™” and “Seven Habits of Highly Effective Linebackers™.” A tougher sell is convincing the team they will only be champions again if they voodoo up the dead body of Dr. Joyce Brothers and have her deliver a Super Bowl halftime pep talk.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – Wondering how more than 100 law enforcement officials can work a high-profile homicide for two weeks and not make any arrests, you begin to try to solve the case on your own. In no time, you discover multiple clues implicating suspects close to the victim. But wary of political correctness and lacking the extensive resources federal authorities generally reserve for victims of a higher socio-economic status, you hesitate to share what you know. The community is only placated when office holders, realizing the cold case could affect their odds at the polls, charge an innocent poor man with the crime.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – You will find yourself in a very heated human resources meeting a week from Thursday, after you get accused of belching in a coworker’s mouth while they were yawning. The coworker was disgusted by the act and took several drama-filled minutes to regain his composure. You will apologize, but the smell-taste of the leftover Chinese food you had for lunch will make everything worse. The coworker’s temper will be soothed when he is allowed to switch cubicles. You will also be asked to cut down on the Chinese food.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – You will find a threatening ransom, the furry paws of a teddy bear, after opening your mailbox. A chill will come over you, as you remember “Sniffles” the stuffed bear your parents gave you when you were sad as a child. Stuffed bear murders are rarely solved and you know the Mobile Police Department has too much on its plate to care. You will decide to take on the case yourself. It will go nowhere.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Your love of movies will finally be appreciated after you write a scathing takedown of “Guardians of the Galaxy.” The movie everyone loves will make no sense to you, with its blue and green women and what not. You will ascend to the top of the movie critic world and adopt the name Marquee Mark. But your 15 minutes of fame will die when you support the next Keanu Reeves vehicle. You always knew Constantine 2 would be your downfall.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – You and the boys from the force are going to rent out an abandoned school for a bake sale. The seemingly harmless event escalates, culminating in the recreation of the entire Call of Duty series – complete with bullet holes, shattered windows and “oorahs” all around. When asked how the damage occurred, you’ll simply deny any and all knowledge of what the crew henceforth refers to as “the most kickass day ever.”
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – The theater is the last place you’d expect to see hundreds of drunks, but that’s exactly the scene you’ll walk into when you catch a motion picture at the Wynnsong 16 next month. After receiving permission to sell alcohol from the Mobile City Council, the megaplex slowly devolves into chaos and blasphemy. What used to be a family atmosphere turns into a true vice den after innocent children renounce their faith and immediately start double fisting mixed drinks.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – A productive week ends in shambles after a coworker brings a beach ball from a job fair into the office. At first, she’ll bounce the ball quietly to herself – a stress reliever to pass the time. But one stray bounce abruptly creates “cubicle volleyball,” which as you might expect, rapidly escalates into a single-elimination tournament. With no accomplished work to speak of, Jacob from IT will upset Pamela “The Palm” Stevens from Accounts Receivable, becoming the champion.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Right when you think your career is about to push you over the edge, you’ll find an unexpected surprise packaged in the form of a new, hottie coworker. Your overwhelming excitement will be “turnt up” and you’ll do everything short of twerking the walls. But the fantasy will fall short when you drag them through social media mud. In the end, you’ll have a water cooler buddy, but the romance between you will equate to the same feelings you may have for steamed broccoli.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – With Halloween quickly approaching, you’ll make plans to get the most out of this year’s activities, which includes going to every haunted house in the Southeast. You and your friends will partake in mind-altering substances beforehand, making you more paranoid than usual and causing you to punch the psycho clown and his demonic doll friend in the face. Consequently, you’ll be escorted out by cops who aren’t in costume. But look on the bright side, you’ll still have the sober hayrides.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – BayFest is only days away and while it may not normally be your thing, you let your friend convince you it’ll be fun. After pushing through all the jeggings, flower crowns and flat bill hats, you’ll lose the one friend you came with. In fact, you’ll lose everyone and soon realize you’ve wandered into the glorified VIP section, despite Mobile’s finest security. Within hours, you’ll have Kid Rock’s digits, life story and a ride on his private jet. If your friend asks, your phone was dead the whole time.