Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — Inspired by Madonna’s appearance at the Grammy’s, you take your old ass out for a night on the town to prove you’ve still got “it.” Attempting to break the ice with single members of the younger crowd, you find it hard to deflect attention from your knotted up T-shirt, Jordache and LA Gear ensemble. Eventually, you “like, totally” accept a drink offer from a wallflower, but you are immediately called home by the babysitter, who informs you your youngest has pooped the couch.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — In an attempt to sympathize with the wrongfully convicted, you confess to a crime you did not commit. Getting to know your cellmate, you discover he’s concocted a similar scheme — not for compassionate reasons, but simply to escape his nagging wife. Weeks later, he realizes the error of his ways after the prison’s largest and most imposing inmate, Big Moses, insists he become his newest spouse. Turns out he got his nickname because he’s been known to part even the strongest of men like the Red Sea.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Your new diet gets more intense, after a family member finds you passed out in a bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy. From then on, you’ll be forced to eat nothing, but raw carrots, raw celery and beef broth. The new dietary restrictions are the newest craze called the annoying French diet. You will spend a solid week on the diet before giving into despair. You’ll spend the next week binging on Thin Mints and Tag-Alongs. You never were a good dieter.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — You’ll become consumed by the computer-generated antics of the video game. You’ll stop eating regularly and, instead, become obsessed with the fake fried onion treats, normally enjoyed by children much younger than yourself. You’ll begin to neglect your dog, which only wants, but a small kibble of your affection. You’ll also stop showering and instead will begin cleaning yourself by standing naked in your kitchen, slapping yourself with a soapy sponge. On the bright side, your thumbs will become very strong.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — You will decide to part ways with your significant other over the food adultery scandal. That means you’ll take a case of Bagel Bites out of the freezer and hit the road. Your lover can have all the oyster on the half-shell, lump crab cakes, beef brisket, signature burgers and schnitzel, all you want is a nice grilled cheese and a glass of chocolate milk. You commit yourself to finding someone who appreciates childhood comfort foods. You’ll be moving on.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — You’ve been watching Lifetime movies lately, but don’t tell anyone! Dr. Z loves them too, but they’re so goofy and cheesy and heavy on Rob Lowe. You’ll keep telling yourself “just one more,” but the previews for the next one have you setting the recorder. A cameo by Nancy Grace in the latest thriller will be what you need to help break this awful addiction. An old lover gets in touch with you suggesting dinner and drinks. Do it, but excuse yourself after dinner and just leave. Free meal and revenge.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After hearing Matthew McConaughey drove his Lincoln right up to the front entrance of the Royal Scam, felt up the owner and demanded a Bread Pudding Scam (Thanks, Nick Cage), you’ll start spending more time at the downtown restaurant in hopes of rubbing elbows with other celebs. But to your dismay, you won’t be the only one in search of glitz and glamour. Local news stations will surround the building, and you’ll be forced into a hostage standoff. Your lucky charms this month are Wrangler jeans, cowboy hats and Marlboro Reds. Alright, alright, alright.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — Never one to procrastinate, dear Libra, you’re already thinking about what to give up for Lent. Dr. Z suggests you give up marriage. It’s just not for you. At least the one you’re currently in isn’t. Think about the benefits of shacking with people you kind of know, or randomly going home with total strangers. Hey, at least nobody’s going to be bitching about the carpet not getting vacuumed. But you may get herpes. It’s probably a worthwhile trade. A friend will give you a parrot as a gift. You are then allowed to slash that friend’s tires.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Things get freaky in your neighborhood when the odd couple across the street start leaving their curtains open at night. Let’s just say you’ll see a few things that can’t be unseen. For instance, she’s larger than him, and one night she’s carrying him around dressed as a baby and nursing him. Another time they run around the house naked shooting each other with Nerf guns. On the plus side, you can cancel cable. Give an old friend a call. In two minutes you’ll remember why you haven’t called in a while.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — After camping out in front of the Mobile County Probate Courthouse for several days to support friends of yours who have chosen an “alternate lifestyle,” you’ll abandon all hope of continuing your diet when the cravings start to creep up on you. What begins with a Snickers bar from the machines in the lobby eventually develops into regular trips the Mardi Gras vendors for chicken sticks, cheese fries, and of course, deep fried Oreos. While others celebrate an overdue equality, you’ll mourn the loss of several of your favorite pairs of jeans.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — You’ll be overserved this weekend, but somehow keep it together for the first time in a while. You won’t call your exes with hopeful desperation, you won’t foolishly choose to drive home at 3 a.m. and you will certainly not remove your pants at Cathedral Square. Even the terrible, yet unintended, consequences of mixing clear and dark liquors will some how pass right by you this Saturday evening. Yes, all together the stars suggest you’re in for a weekend free from partial nudity, jail and regret.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — As an Alabamian, you’re treated like a foreigner at a meet-and-greet opening at a national professional development conference. “What’s that like?” They ask, genuinely curious about your natural Southernness. Rather than serve as a welcoming ambassador, you choose to reinforce their biases and regale them with tales of Waffle Houses, Dollar Generals, football, Jesus and the use of incest to instill family values. The networking was successful, but going forward, you resolve to contact them using only snail mail.