Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be fired from your job after managers catch you bathing in the office. You successfully washed yourself each weekday for a month by sitting naked in the breakroom sink and pouring water from the cooler over your head. How invigorating.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll resort to the Ouija board in an attempt to send advice to your younger self. You’ll be exasperated when the stylus spells “LOL” after you insist Donald Trump is the Republican nominee for president.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll submit to temptation again after you try on your Halloween costume and discover it’s a few sizes too small. Alas, you’ll be no superhero this year, unless you consider cooking your “donut burger pizza” recipe a superpower.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll undergo a zombie makeover for the annual Zombie Walk downtown. Things get messy when the group meets Second Amendment conspiracy theorists protesting in front of Government Plaza.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll wonder why you continue to read the local horoscopes when they evidently have nothing to do with astrology, or logic, for that matter. In a private consultation with Dr. Zodiac, you’ll be asked to bring in a palm frond to be read instead.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — During a visit to a local jail, you’ll briefly wonder if living a life free of obligations and responsibilities is worth giving up your personal freedom. However, after seeing a gentleman writing the opening lines of “Atlas Shrugged” on the wall in feces, you’ll abandon your plans to rob the corner store.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll struggle to keep quiet at work next week after watching your alma mater, Troy University, trounce USA in what is quickly becoming a top-tier Sun Belt rivalry. Despite wanting to rub the victory in, you will manage to refrain, as gloating is certainly not the Trojan way.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After seeing that a man who shot at George Zimmerman was sentenced 20 years longer than Zimmerman was, you’ll continue your personal crusade against Florida’s most notorious “white Hispanic.” After finding his address on Reddit and making a quick stop at sendyourenemiesglitter.com, the plan will be underway.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After another Cowboys win, Jerry Jones will make you an offer under the table to discretely malign Tony Romo’s recovery. After a few weeks of leaving banana peels in strategic locations around Dallas and late-night Twitter trolling to target the aging star’s sleep, you — unlike Romo — will soon retire.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After an appropriate amount of needling from your significant other, you’ll scrub your feet for the first time in two years. As a regular visitor to Dauphin Island, you think it’s ridiculous to wear shoes. You’ll almost lose your family over it. You’re disgusting.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll try to reschedule an upcoming dentist appointment with Dr. Noblet to avoid going right after Halloween. While you haven’t done any trick-or-treating for 20 years, you’ll inevitably have an uncontrollable urge to eat all of the Tootsie Rolls from the evening. You also hate flossing.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll announce your intention to run for City Council, prompting local radio attack ads. Your opposition will let the voters know you emphasize the wrong syllable in “Mobile,” like a Yankee. You’ll lose in a landslide.