Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Everything will go horribly for you this week. You will get a flat tire after you run over a tricycle in the parking lot at your tiny, overpriced apartment in Fairhope. After searching for My Little Pony pics for your daughter on your Instagram account, you’ll get a bunch of strange new followers with pony mask avatars. You will lose your phone charger while reading comic books at the library. You’ll show up early for an advanced screening of “Jurassic World,” only to find out the theater is actually showing “Pitch Perfect 2.”
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — After years of thinking Kangarooz in Spanish Fort was the place to buy Kangaroos (the original shoes with pockets!), you’ll be disappointed to discover it is actually a bounce house birthday party place for kids. No problem, though, because you love bounce houses and birthday party pizza. When you get there, you’ll enjoy hours of fun on the Pirate Ship slide and the Jungle Jumper. Everything will be great until you get stuck at the top of Mount Wanna-Hocka-Loogie and have to call your work buddy to rescue you.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — Everything will go well for you this week. The Bruce Jenner Starting Lineup “Timeless Legends 1976 Olympics” toy you bought at the sports collectibles shop at the mall in 1996 is finally seeing a price hike on eBay. You’ll get a nice surprise when the McDonalds on the way to work gives you an extra slice of bacon on your morning McGriddles. A new coworker will compliment you on your choice of Where’s Waldo socks, and that same co-worker will join you to share an order of Grilled Stuft Nachos at Taco Bell on your lunch break.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — After a week in federal court, you’ll start to think you know the law better than you do. When you’re unconvinced by what would be a routine traffic stop, you’ll decide to test your unalienable rights while filming with your camera phone. Unmoved by your YouTube tomfoolery, the officer will pepper spray you with a vengeance. The event will prompt yet another debate about whether Americans have the God-given right to be assholes.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You’ll spend the week upset over the U.S. Army failing the eight women who attempted to join the ranks of the prestigious Ranger program. With outrage in your heart, you’ll start to question the role sexism has played in defining the limitations of both genders on and off the battlefield, but then you’ll remember most men can’t make the program and that neither could you. Unless, of course, you’re an Army Ranger who reads ancillary bits of the Lagniappe. In which case, Hooah!
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — You’ll race to get a free “dozen donuts” on National Donut Day, but you’ll be painfully disappointed when you see the line. Though you’ll try to go with the flow and “enjoy the day for what it is,” you just won’t be able to shake your pragmatic sensibilities. Mathematically, waiting in line for 11 hours to save a mere $8 just doesn’t add up. With that in mind, you’ll ride down Springhill to pick the “fundraiser” boxes from the entrances at the Greer’s Cost Plus.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/22) — The office shares a chuckle over “Call Me Caitlyn,” the recent Vanity Fair cover featuring the new, ahem, improved Bruce Jenner. But it takes you weeks of self-reflection to understand why you were so strongly attracted first to his bedroom eyes, then to his firm breasts, then to the curious pocket of manhood concealed by a seductive leotard. A social liberal, you’re generally one to celebrate victories in the LGBT community, but this one has you in the throes of an identity crisis. Eat some chili this week.
Capricorn (12/23 – 1/19) — Sexist banter at the office gets a little uncomfortable when you have to explain yourself to a new coworker. You think back to simpler times, when referring to someone as “hot” simply referred their physical appearance. But in a half-assed attempt to backtrack, your qualification of the “hot” person as also “accomplished” and “pleasant” will do little to change the coworker’s opinion that you are nothing more than a pig. Eat some vegetarian chili this week.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Photos from the Kristen Saban wedding nearly force you to renounce your citizenship in the Crimson Tide Nation. Of course, every man should have the pleasure of walking his little girl down the aisle, but you’re worried all the pageantry of the fairytale event made The Coach lose touch with The Process this summer. And who does she think she is, wearing a gown without even the slightest hint of houndstooth? You thought Lane Kiffin was going to be the death of this dynasty but just you wait. Just you wait.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — You’ll be banned from the office kitchen after stupid Denise again catches you eating one of her Lean Cuisines. You’ll try to explain to dense Denise that the meatballs on the cover of the frozen dinner looked too appealing not to eat, but it won’t matter. She’ll explain to the boss that you’ve now eaten four of her meals over a month’s time and you must be stopped. Banned from the kitchen, you’ll begin to scavenge for desk candy. That, too, gets you in trouble. Your survival instincts, much like your hunger, will not be satiated.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Your care and compassion will soon make you the butt of all jokes within your social circle. You’ll be one cat away from crazy cat lady status when a lonely tabby will start pawing at your door. Your friends will warn you of how the number of cats you own is directly proportional to the level of crazy that men think you are, but you won’t be able to resist those beautiful cat peepers. You’ll soon start preparing home-cooked meals for your feline company and by then, it’ll be too late to save you. You’ll die alone.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Offensive Facebook comments will land you in hot water with U.S. Marshals during the high-profile trial of a local business professional. After having your snacks confiscated prior to security screening, you’ll unleash a social media rant comparing the hard-working professional to the main character in the Paul Blart Mall Cop movies. The next day, you’ll be strip searched in front of everyone in the lobby of the federal courthouse. I hope you’ve learned your lesson; you’re too antisocial for Facebook, or any form of social media.