Gemini (5/21-6/21) — For your “30th” birthday this year, you and friends will decide to go skydiving at a local airport. You’ll arrive at the airport early, your veins pulsing with excitement, but nothing happens at first. You’ll wait hours and hours for your turn in a plane literally taped together and piloted by a man eating a $5 footlong. Feeling unsafe, you’ll swallow your fear and take the plunge because it’s less likely you’ll die from a freefall than from riding in the rickety plane. You’ll be relieved when you accomplish the feat.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Next week, you’ll have nothing to do, so you and colleagues will bat around various goat puns for amusement. It’ll be udderly delightful to listen with sheer joy to your friends toss around the jokes in a very long email chain. A lot of the puns will be cheesy, but they’ll be easy to digest. It’ll finally behoove you to stop when a client calls needing a quote. After all, you won’t want to be the scapegoat if your company misses out on a sale.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Three months from next Wednesday, you’ll be the first to hear the news the two presumptive presidential candidates are actually robots. The news about Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will only confirm your suspicions about a secret anti-government cabal that, after years of trying with Ralph Nader and Ross Perot, will finally get a leg up in the presidential election. You’ll watch as both candidates glitch out during a live MSNBC debate. Trump will just repeat the word “huge” over and over again while Hillary just says “woman” repeatedly.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Inspired by a British researcher who lived as a goat for a week, you’ll follow your dream to live as an ape. Donning a gorilla costume, you’ll spend a week in the woods of Baldwin County. You’ll nearly starve to death because of the lack of bananas and bamboo in the wild, but a local zookeeper will rescue and rehabilitate you in the primate exhibit at the zoo. You’ll live a happy life until the day a mischievous toddler falls into the exhibit.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Jumping on the bandwagon of a craze sweeping Baldwin County, you’ll encourage your daughter to join the archery team at school. Things will go well and your daughter will win many medals for accuracy in competitions across the county. Next month when the gray aliens invade Gulf Shores on July 4, your daughter will lead a rebellion against them. You’ll be proud of her accomplishments, which will inspire a trilogy of young adult novels and a movie series starring Shailene Woodley.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Despite negative critical reception and the low quality of previous X-Men films, you’ll take the family to see “X-Men: Apocalypse” this weekend. You’ll be surprised when, five minutes into the trailers, the actual apocalypse begins when the film’s titular villain appears and slaughters all the empty seats in the theater. Lucky for you, the villain’s gaudy, oversized battle armor will prevent him from seeing your family and you’ll be able to escape into a sold-out showing of “The Angry Birds Movie.”
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Your summer wardrobe will include pastel shorts, bow ties and light sport coats after you inadvertently attend a fashion show at the local police headquarters. Known as a “prep walk,” law enforcement’s intent was to deter crime by shamelessly parading accused criminals in front of the news media, but no one could have predicted the fashion statement the Circle K robber would make, having terrorized a cashier with a croquet bat while wearing a sleek pair of loafers and matching belt.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — A Saturday trip to the farmer’s market will devolve into a juvenile culinary quest after you happen upon an eggplant that strongly resembles the male sex organ. Inspired, you’ll inspect each and every vegetable onsite in a spontaneous mission to cook an anatomical ratatouille for an upcoming dinner party. Your meal will come together after you find at least a half dozen tomatoes that look like butts and misshapen peppers that could easily pass for deformed heads. You’ll have to combine garlic cloves and zucchini to get something resembling a foot with toes, but the breast onions will really firm up the entire recipe.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In an attempt to save taxpayer money while simultaneously reducing, reusing and recycling, you decide to offer the community a natural alternative to indigent burials and cremations. It may take years to catch on, but backyard gardeners and factory farmers alike will eventually praise the benefits of your Corpse Compost®, finding the decomposed remains of human bodies are actually rich with nutrients and balanced with trace minerals. After a little work in the lab, you’ll also attempt to market your eco-friendly Carcass Oil® as a diesel alternative.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — While the foreign nation of Georgia wasn’t your first pick as ground zero in the meat revolution, you’ll join the coming war between herbivores and carnivores nonetheless. Now that “extremists” wielding grilled meat and sausages have stormed a vegan café, the unrest across the globe will reach a tipping point — forcing you to choose sides in a conflict that pits brother against less-masculine brother. As the sun rises, you’ll lead an angry mob into the heart of the city in a convoy of Oscar Mayer wienermobiles.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After decades in darkness, the followers of the Crimson Tide will rid themselves of the ultimate persecution as CBS Sportscaster Verne Lundquist reveals his plans to retire after the 2016 college football season. Knowing they will soon see an end to overtly biased and arguably violent comments like, “Alabama is not currently winning” and “Nick Saban MIGHT BE the best coach ever,” fans in the very near future may once again feel safe allowing children to listen to televised broadcasts of the greatness that is the Tide.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll realize the true tragedy of getting your significant other into video games this weekend, as you finally lose in a digitized domestic dispute for the ages. While you’ll first feel a sense of pride at the depths of your despair, it will ultimately be drowned in the flood of rage that inevitably consumes you. After hours in silence, you’ll realize the only logical solution is that your partner found some way to hack into the system and cheat to secure the victory. I mean, they must have … right?
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