Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With no knowledge of how the justice system works and no specific examples being offered, the screaming tirade you unleash on a local judge next week will seem pretty unimpressive. Though you will manage to squeeze in the phrase “revolving door,” your non-argument of “soft liberal judges letting fellow Democrats out” will expose you as the Facebook legal scholar and thinly veiled racist-comment architect you really are. As the bailiff manages to subdue you, you’ll hear only the sounds of the judge chuckling as he disappears into his chambers.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With bills mounting and jealousy in your heart, you’ll travel to Tennessee in hopes of finding and robbing one of the three Powerball jackpot winners. Unfortunately for you, the individual will use his winnings to inject a $500 million cash stimulus into his home defense fund. Even if you make it through the world’s only double-wide turret system, you’ll be greeted by a field of claymores indistinguishable from crushed cans of Miller High Life.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Unsurprisingly, after reviewing an unwanted leaflet attempting to drum up support for the Ku Klux Klan, you’ll notice several grammatical errors. While you find the material repulsive, it inspires you to devise the most brilliant of plans. After dusting off your glasses, you’ll successfully apply to be the KKK’s first official copy editor. From the outside, the Klan will look more organized than ever, but bleeding the beast within, you’ll spend your time secretly sabotaging the required trailer payments long enough to cause the entire group’s eviction.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll become the most famous talk show guest of all time overnight when the ending for Star Wars VIII comes to you in a dream. J.J. Abrams will bribe you with a walk-on role to keep quiet, but you’ll insist the public needs to know Luke Skywalker will be killed by his former apprentice and Rey will fight Kylo Ren to a draw. You’ll make the rounds on “Good Morning America” and “Today,” but when you make it to the cable news channels, they’ll accuse you of witchcraft.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be shocked to learn you are one of millions of members of an alien sleeper cell awakened as soon as the final tally of votes gives Donald J. Trump the presidency. Under normal circumstances this would be a terrible development, but with the threat of Trump’s command of the U.S. military, you’ll be more than happy to attempt to sap his power. You’ll realize that even with alien overlords, the world is better off.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Fed up with the federal government, you’ll pack up and join the armed protesters holed up in a building in an Oregon wildlife refuge. You too think The Man should do right by the people, but you’re really there because you love the cold and hate being clean. You’ll fit right in, as you begin to gum down cold macaroni and drink stale beer. Shortly after your arrival, the group will entertain an interview request from Sean Penn above your objections. In spite of your warnings, the group will soon be “El Chapoed.”
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Hearing about a buddy’s successful hook-up courtesy of a dating website, you decide to log on and create an account of your own. Years removed from “the game,” you treat your first few matches with reserve. But encouraged by the connections, you decide to contact the least attractive people first, just to see how far you can comfortably take it. You’ll learn very quickly that the key to any good one-night stand is establishing a “safe word,” and always informing someone else of your whereabouts.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Apprehensive about the Feb. 1 Iowa caucuses, you temporarily relocate to Des Moines for some last-minute campaigning on behalf of your favorite candidate. You’ll quickly discover few people in the heartland have ever heard the name Andrew Basiago, but you curry their favor with offers to teleport voters to polling places. By the time of the general election in November, Congress will have drafted a Constitutional amendment clarifying that Martians are not permitted to participate in America’s democratic processes. Matt Damon will be considered collateral damage.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — With the 2015-16 football season coming to a close, you prepare for seven months of hibernation. You configure your email to auto-reply “check you later,” while you switch your voicemail message to that crappy Green Day song that wore out its welcome in early 2005. Before your slumber, you buy a mating pair of rabbits to supply a constant food source for your cats and dogs, but you decide to free your pet guinea pig Cankles and let him fend for himself. When September does end, you’ll awake to find the planet is ruled by vicious guinea rabbits, who have enslaved all other mammals and built an economy on wood shavings and baby carrots.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As part of your New Year’s resolution to lose weight, you’ll sign up for Scale Back Alabama. Unfortunately, your co-workers will continue to bring goodies to the office despite your repeated admonitions. When a new employee brings a Randazzo King Cake on a Monday morning, you’ll devour the entire mass before anyone can share. The move not only earns you the ire of your coworkers, but sends you to the hospital with a plastic baby lodged in your trachea.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll become a conspiracy nut after reading a Flat Earth theory email from a high school friend. An independent investigation, including hours of watching videos on YouTube, will lead you to believe every powerful person, from the president to the mayor of your small town, is a lizard person. The investigation will take you to the dormant Baldwin County Mega Site, where you’ll discover the lizard people have built an underground bunker to hide themselves from the impending Nibiru doomsday event.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Attempting to capitalize on the success of young-adult novels, you’ll publish the trilogy of “Nosferateens,” vampire tales you’ve been writing since college. The series revolves around vampire prince Nefarious Goodhair and his struggle to fit in at a preppy private high school in Baldwin County. Goodhair finds his calling in photography class, but drama ensues when he falls for the captain of the girls lacrosse team. The novels will be adapted into a film series starring Andrew Garfield and Kirsten Dunst.