Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) — Preparing for your New Year’s resolution, you’ll commit to lots of drinking, eating and calling in sick at work this week — knowing you’ll have to put it all behind you in 2015. After a few consecutive days of going to the Brickyard and Taco Bell, you’ll realize the year and date are only a number, and that happiness is journey, not a destination. You’ll also realize quesadillas are ridiculously good when you’re drunk — a theory that remains unquestioned in coming year.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Things get awkward around the house after your kids encourage you to adopt “Santa,” confusing a bearded homeless drifter with the jolly old elf. Despite your good intentions, the magic is lost after “Gus,” a veteran of Grenada who fell on hard times after losing his 27-foot live-aboard sailboat in 1997, makes a habit of leaving “tidings” in the yard, along with the family dog. The kids return from a play date to find Santa has returned to the North Pole, and a Megabus receipt on the kitchen counter.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — When your iPhone begins to curiously lose power more swiftly than before, you suspect it’s been targeted by North Korean hackers. Preparing for a counter attack, you ask a member of the Geek Squad if an effective firewall can be constructed by sewing together several layers of American flags and draping them over your computer. You begin to write your emails with an ink well and quill, but your boss reprimands you after you stain the screen. Someone recommends you use a Tor browser, and you literally plug your Ethernet cable into a Vidalia onion.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — Now that travel restrictions are being lifted, you begin to plan a spring vacation to Cuba. Hoping to also make a quick buck and spread capitalism abroad, you also apply to open the communist country’s first Yeti Cooler and Big Green Egg retail outlet. Little do you know that the sanctions of the last five decades have led to human ingenuity on the island, and locals realize your upscale merchandise is superficial. You eat the best pork roast of your life on the island, and it was cooked in an open pit.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Having survived the crazy cult experience the week before, you’ll overdo it celebrating MoonPie Over Mobile. Your enthusiasm will reach critical mass and you’ll feel “Shame” after jumping on stage to mouth-kiss Evelyn “Champagne” King. You’ll come down from your vodka-induced state, but not before getting on stage with The Village People and doing the “YMCA” dance to “In the Navy.” The embarrassment will be caught on camera for everyone in the central time zone to see. The sight will not help your job prospects. The arrest won’t help either.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — Your spouse and kids will leave you upon hearing the new budget you’ll force upon them. You’ll be sad for about a week, but you’ll soon embrace life without the anchor of those money-suckers pulling you down to the depths of the fiscal ocean. It will truly be a happy 2015, as you’ll stuff your face with all the Cammie’s Old Dutch ice cream you can stomach. Who knew not having to worry about feeding children could be so liberating?
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) — Family and friends will be confused by your choice for a new name — Bigelow Cumberpatch. They’ll tell you it doesn’t fit you, but you couldn’t care less. You’ll begin to become Mobile’s most famous extra and you’ll begin to amass a very small fortune because of the fame. You’ll use the job to accidentally bump into A-listers like Natalie Portman and George Clooney. The fame will go to your head and your demands will become too great. You’ll get fired.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — After a week long ordeal of stuffing your face with ham and sweet potato pie, you’ll realize you received many undesirable Christmas gifts. What is a person to do with a Clapper light switch and two Nerf dart guns? Sure, they seem like perfectly good ideas when you’re full of eggnog, but come on. You’ll feel a high adrenaline rush when returning gifts, and you’ll become addicted to the act. You’ll soon be robbing Christmas gifts from across two counties in return for store credits.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — A late-night trip to a local gas station will turn weird when you notice two men filling 2-liter soda bottles with gasoline. You’ll try to mind your own business, though you’ll be fearful that the station might burst into flames. Despite your incognito efforts, one of the men will attempt to give you marijuana in exchange for gas money. You’ll ponder on the idea for a moment, but decide it’s a bad idea. You’ll give him five bucks anyway.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — You’ve been incredibly fed up with the Elf on the Shelf, so now the holidays are pretty much over, you’ll be grateful you won’t have to see anymore annoying photos on Facebook. However, you’ll run into a popular, real life version of Elf on the Shelf at a local shopping center. Out of nowhere, you’ll tackle the red-unitard-wearing grown man. A video of you wrestling the elf will go viral. You’ll be an Internet sensation, but not without a restraining order and lawsuit.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — This weekend you’ll still be waiting for the Christmas gifts you at the last minute online. Avoiding your family will become difficult, so you’ll attempt to train the family pet to sign for a Fed-Ex package. Finally, after days spent hiding in the closet, your package will arrive just in time to be stolen by some neighborhood thugs. Luckily, your kids are so anxious for their memorabilia from Disney’s “Frozen” that they catch the suspects on foot and “Let it Go” on his ass.
Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) — You’ll finally get the Christmas present of you dreams – a brand new Volvo delivered with a giant red bow. In your incoherent excitement, you’ll kiss your spouse and blast out of the driveway with the bow still perched atop the sporty, midsize family sedan. After it blows off your roof, you’ll be promptly pulled over by a Mobile police officer. You get a littering ticket and DUI from all the breakfast champagne you had in honor of Christ’s birth. A “December to remember” indeed.
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