Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After repeated failures to bring your daughter’s Girl Scout Cookies sign-up sheet to the office, you’ll buy 50 boxes yourself to make up for lost revenue. You’ll develop a heroin-like addiction to Thin Mints and after a few weeks, six additional inches of fat will appear around your waistline. Coworkers will encourage you to register for “Scale Back Alabama” but the daily exercise regimen will be too much for your morbidly obese body to handle.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — An effect of watching the NFL postseason, you’ll start a bar fight, use a banned substance and violate extremely vague, undisclosed rules that are almost certainly related to striking a female. Of course, as a key player at your place of employment, you’ll be transferred but only after you finish this fiscal quarter. Unlike most average folks, the prowess of your labor skills will keep you from facing legal consequences and you’ll be back to work in no time.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Tired of waiting on promised federal funding, you’ll decide to put the creation of the I-10 Mobile River bridge into your own hands. Taking a page from Alexander the Great’s playbook, you’ll start repeatedly throwing rocks into Mobile Bay in hopes of building a land bridge to Daphne. Also like Alexander the Great, you’ll contract an unspecified illness and succumb to a to a high fever before the project is complete. However, in that 15 minutes of heavy breathing, you will accomplish more than the government has in 20 years.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — At first, you’ll feel forced to attend a 7-year-old relative’s musical performance, but after only a few lines, you’ll find yourself pleasantly surprised with the level of talent. As Act 2 weaves through a minefield of emotions, you’ll realize this group of second graders wields a sense of poignancy and charisma you haven’t come close to amassing. Clearly, this won’t be the production of “This Is Your Life, Amelia Bedelia!” you were expecting. No, friend, this be something much, much more.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — While all the recent talk has been about national politics, state races begin to heat up as you notice commercials touting how much a certain senator works when he’s in Washington. You’ll chalk it up to political gamesmanship, knowing full well no one in Washington works more than about six months a year and is paid using part of your hard-earned, year-round paychecks. You’ll decide to run an honest campaign and tell voters exactly what you think. You’ll lose in a landslide.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be late enrolling your child in day care services. Sure the kid’s still in utero, but at 20 weeks it’s much too late to start. You’ll frantically get on every waiting list available, but unfortunately the child will be 16 before a spot opens up. In an attempt to save your deposit, you’ll enroll the teenager. It will be a bit awkward for your progeny, but luckily he will be able to drive himself to the beltline location daily.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll get irritated with social media’s insistence that dogs would wear pants over all four legs, instead of over two. You’ll argue if that’s the case, then dog sweaters shouldn’t have arm holes, since sweaters meant for humans don’t have any leg holes. After a number of people repeatedly rebuff your argument, you’ll give up Facebook for 2016. That resolution will last about 10 minutes, when you become tangled in an argument over the color of a new dress.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — As news breaks of downtown Mobile’s first craft brewery in years, you plan to capitalize on the development with a business proposal of your own. Lenders will hesitate to bankroll your hot dog cart converted to an artisanal pretzel oven, but you’ll find capital from surprising sources. Eventually, your twisted pastries will be so popular you’ll expand to a full-size food truck, but business will falter after patrons discover your raw ingredients include genetically modified wheat and salt mined by overseas child labor.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In a brilliant plan to secure funding for historic Civil War forts Morgan and Gaines, you host a paintball re-enactment of The Battle of Mobile Bay. Faux war enthusiasts travel from far and wide to participate by land and sea, loading up compressed air muskets and cannons and firing on each other with a colorful array of water-based ordnance. Yet historians will be disappointed when an actor depicting Adm. David Farragut damns a torpedo filled with top coat before one loaded with primer.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A giant new RV park in south Baldwin County reassures that your Cousin Eddie lifestyle is slowly gaining social approval. Sure, your kids are tired of sharing a bunk in your 1973 Winnebago, and fines from pumping raw sewage into stormwater drains are starting to add up, but nothing beats the freedom of knowing you can pack up and go anywhere, any time. A mechanical issue will eventually force you off the road near Sarasota, but you’ll seize the opportunity to trade up to 1974 Argosy.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be the last homeowner on your block refusing to take down the Christmas decorations in your yard. The large display — a 20-foot inflatable Santa Claus playing cornhole with Rankin-Bass holiday characters — is an eyesore in your quaint Baldwin County subdivision, where most of the cottage-style homes are decorated with tasteful wreaths and traditional Nativity scenes. The display will draw the ire of your neighbors, and your yard will be featured in a series of in-depth AL.com listicles investigating the state’s tackiest Christmas decorations.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — After a weekend of binge watching the Tom Cruise “Mission: Impossible” films, you’ll ask people to refer to you as Agent Ethan Hunt of the IMF. At first, your wife will think it is cute, but after a couple of days she will start to worry. When you show up for work on Monday wearing an M:I-style mask impersonating your boss, he will become angry. A self-destructing email message will actually destroy your coworker’s desktop. Your next impossible mission will be making friends in the unemployment line.