Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll get a little too excited for fall at a dinner party when you present pumpkin spiced pork to your guests. The dish will get mixed reactions, although they’ll smile in approval. Nobody wants a repeat of the peppermint-infused turkey fiasco.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll roll your eyes and sigh after another arrogant Millennial submits an entitled resume. You’ll daydream about the alternate reality where “being on a first-name basis” and having “received many press passes” is ever indicative of a candidate’s professional aptitude.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Inspired by the presidential debates, you’ll brush up on your oratory at a Toastmasters meeting. You’ll emerge no more eloquent than before, but remarkably more adept at dodging prudent questions and brushing off damning criticism.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll leave the windows open at night to invite in the cool fall air. Nine months from now, geneticists will conclude you were magically impregnated by the Crichton leprechaun.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’re convinced the blurry photograph you took at the Alabama Coastal Birdfest captures a glimpse of the fabled Ivory Billed Woodpecker. Extensive forensic analysis later determines it was simply a naked squatter exiled from Tent City.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After missing a friend’s wedding to watch an Alabama game, you’ll make an effort to avoid them for several months. Months will turn to years as you ultimately realize you’re better off not having friends who get married during football season.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be embarrassed when you forget iPhones automatically resume any paused video once connected to a car’s Bluetooth system. Trying to explain to your passengers that the sounds they heard came from a strenuous weightlifting video will definitely not help.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — To lend a hand in keeping the Port City safe, you’ll audition for the MPD’s mounted patrol unit. While the first few days go great, your steed, Sgt. Pickles, will get spooked by sudden movement, dragging you through West Mobile kicking and screaming.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Seeing a presidential candidate praised for working tax loopholes, local politicians will employ the seldom-cited “you can’t tax what you can’t catch” exemption. However, after public policy is sidelined by constant sprinting and hiding, both parties will agree to do away with the exemption in 2017.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — A pool at the venue of a wedding reception will prove challenging for your alcohol-addled mind. While carrying your sixth vodka-and-soda, you won’t quite be able to navigate around the water. You’ll play off the faux pas and others will soon join you.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll go viral when you’re attacked by a bear outside a bar downtown. It turns out that bears really dig the Haberdasher’s fancy cocktails. Unfortunately for you, the bear won’t take kindly to the joke you make and will throw you out.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll consider dressing like a good clown for Halloween, with floppy shoes and red nose, but learn that a mob of Baldwin County residents are looking for vigilante justice. Word to the wise, pick another costume.
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