Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In a statement about how bad marathons are for your body, you’ll protest by walking the entire First Light Marathon.When you cross the finish line 97 days from now, you’ll be confused with a really slow Forrest Gump.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Now that you’ve abandoned your New Year’s fitness goals barely one week in, you’ll relax on the patio with a few high-gravity beers. You’ll jeer at the joggers passing by your house.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After months of flying under the radar on a competitive video game designed for players under age 14, your cover will be blown. While curse words and adult themes won’t seem out of place among today’s youth, Stone Temple Pilots references will.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — The continuing barrage of flash floods will have you using the new scuba gear you got for Christmas when you’re forced to swim to work for a few days. Oddly enough, even beneath 10 feet of water, you’ll still see blonde women jogging through midtown.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Rewatching Mariah Carey’s abysmal performance from New Year’s Eve, you’ll realize your celebration could have been worse. Though in fairness, Mariah would probably get a good laugh from the dash cam footage of your arrest at Chuck E. Cheese’s as well.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In your efforts to avoid the endless chatter about Alabama’s most recent National Championship appearance, you’ll develop a reverse V-Chip that automatically censors any mention of phases like “tide,” “crimson,” “dynasty,” “Keystone Light” and “we’re all cousins tonight.”
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — They’ll call you the Nick Saban of beer pong after you win your fifth straight match while attending the afterparty for your 20-year high school reunion. Unlike Saban, your “process” includes no focus at all, but you will urinate on yourself.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — After putting on the secret agent decoder ring you found in a box of Frosted Flakes, the black helicopters will swarm your midtown home and you’ll be taken to D.C. Turns out you’ll be the country’s next top CIA agent. Congratulations.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After devastating New Year’s weekend rains make city streets almost impassable, Mayor Sandy Stimpson will enlist you for a solution. You’ll tap Gulf Coast Ducks to take over the city’s bus routes. Problem solved, until the next drought.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll get arrested for road rage after the fourth consecutive vehicle in front of you comes to a complete stop on a blinking yellow light at a Dauphin Street intersection. You’ll get out of your car and berate other drivers. It’ll escalate quickly.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll burst into song after watching “La La Land” at the Crescent Theater. In keeping with the repetitive theme of this horoscope, that song will be “Doo Doo Brown.” Then you’ll go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll write a letter of appreciation to the organizers of Dothan’s first annual dildo drop. While it’s not exactly family-friendly, the visionaries behind that massive length of meat in the sky should be commended for drawing hoards of perverted tourists.