Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Terrible fate will fall upon you. Somehow you will get locked in the bathroom at work and miss one of the first Mardi Gras parades. Trapped alone, you’ll start to think you’re actually at the parade. The beads you’ll catch will actually be toilet paper and the MoonPies will be liquid soap. When someone finely rescues you, you’ll be given time off to get your head straight. Then you’ll have plenty of time to make the parades.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — A Valentine’s Day disaster will happen when you reach for KY but grab BENGAY instead. This won’t be realized until it is much too late in the sexy encounter. It’s an accident, but the pain you and your love will endure will create a rather heated argument. The only thing that stops the argument is the increasing heat in your nether regions. Just ride out the pain and laugh (hopefully) about it later.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Perhaps it is the universe sending you a sign, but you will nearly choke to death on a conversation heart. While you were on the brink of passing out, a beautiful stranger will come to your rescue. That’s right, you will meet your new boo whilst choking on love, so to speak. This person may be only your boo for a day, but every time you see a white conversation heart with Live 4 Ever you will think of them. And yes, you will be eating Twilight conversation hearts.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After finally getting over your Winter Storm Leon injury, it will be time to hit the town. Your tolerance for alcohol will have significantly dropped. That means you can get drunk on only one Smirnoff Ice instead of three! You won’t find this out until you’ve downed your usual three. While leaving the bar, you’ll reinjure your Winter Storm Leon injury. That’s two ice-related injuries.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Hearing stories of generosity on Facebook warm your heart so much that you decide to do it yourself. You’ll pay for someone’s lunch, help another person with his or her groceries and give another person a ride. Just when you’re riding high on all your good deeds, things will kick into high gear when you find $100 on the ground. Take it to the bar and buy some drinks … you’ll end up with even more friends.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll try to get a reservation for Valentine’s Day last minute and come up with the best one of all — the Waffle House. Some might scoff, but where else can you get anything from waffles to steak AND get to be entertained by your fellow diners. You’re not going to get that at some white tablecloth place. This particular Waffle House will be the best yet when an impromptu dance party breaks out when someone plays the jukebox. You and your date will be getting down at the Waffle House and then at your place.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — The box of chocolates you get for yourself as a Valentine’s Day gift will still get you lucky. Little did you know, but a rare ingredient in the chocolates will trigger an allergic reaction. You will think this will be the worst Valentine’s Day ever as you ride in the ambulance. That’s when you meet a very attractive nurse. Through your puffy, swollen eyes, you two will connect instantly. You have it all to thank to the box of chocolates you bought from the parking lot of an old Blockbuster.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Being lonely at a bar sucks. Being lonely at a bar during Mardi Gras is worse. Being lonely at a bar during Mardi Gras on Valentine’s Day could be the worst or it could be the best. Drunk, single people will fill the watering holes, grocery stores and other non-date places. Make sure you catch beads … not VD.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Carnival starting on Valentine’s Day is a perfect storm of Mardi Gras debauchery, lonely drinkers and your every day drunk couples. The Conde Cavaliers rolling on Feb. 14 might actually think, “Wow, these people are really drunk” instead of the other way around. There is a real chance Mobile might run out of liquor Feb. 14. Stock up now before the supplies dwindle. Then sell that stuff in a parking lot.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You keep finding cat hairs on your clothes, which is really weird because you don’t have a white cat. Just as you’ve convinced yourself something is wrong with your laundry machine, that’s when you spot a white stray cat creeping in through a hole in the wall. The cat sleeps on your clothes and then bolts whenever you’re around. You know what they say about cats, they adopt you. You don’t adopt them.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Your horrible significant other will give a very special stuffed animal to the Salvation Army without your consent. Surely that is the last time you’ll see your best friend since childhood, right? Wrong. While at a parade with that traitor, you will catch a few throws — mostly beads and such. Then, out of nowhere, you will catch your stuffed friend! It not only reunites you with your friend, but it also confirms your suspicions that krewes buy throws from thrift stores.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Friends will begin to question your reasons for having excessive amounts of olive oil. Trying to explain to them that buying in bulk “just makes sense,” won’t satiate their curiosity for long. Soon they’ll really get interested when they see a large kiddie pool in your backyard. It’s just a matter of time before they realize you like to grease up and slide around like a seal on ice.