Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Despite being asked multiple times, you’ll convince your wife that you haven’t been ordering McRibs at the McDonald’s next to your office. Instead, you’ll tell her you’ve been eating sandwiches for lunch. You’ll have to apologize for misleading her with what you’ll refer to now as a Rodgersesque lie.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — A low-stakes, online game of Chess this week will make you feel like the dumbest human being on Earth. After dominating your unknown opponent for much of the competition, he or she will lure you into an easily avoidable trap for checkmate. Reeling from the loss, you’ll decide to stick to Checkers from now on.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Upon hearing the news that Burger King’s parent company, which owns Tim Horton’s, just purchased Firehouse Subs, you’ll walk into your nearest BK and ask for a Hook and Ladder with Tim bits. When the confused employee tells you it doesn’t work that way, you’ll storm out muttering something indistinguishable about corporations.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be highly relieved to see President Biden meet via Zoom with China’s leaders and that the meeting is widely considered to have been positive. It’s not so much that you worry about World War III or the trade deficit, you’ve just been unrealistically worried that somehow tensions with the Asian superpower might somehow disrupt your weekly dinner at China Chef II.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Obsessed with America’s supply chain problems, you’ll begin blaming everything on logistics and “tankers sitting off of Long Beach harbor in California.” No salt on the table at a restaurant? Tankers. Publix sold out of your favorite ice cream? Tankers. You’ll become so tanker obsessed that you plan a trip to California to see them, but a lack of airline employees ruins your flight. Yep, tankers.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After vowing to go vegetarian one night a week, you’ll immediately be disappointed by the first dish you prepare under your new, self-imposed diet restrictions. You’ll eventually satisfy your animal instincts with a big burger and throw the mediocre ratatouille in the garbage because the dog wouldn’t even eat it.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The gavel-to-gavel coverage of both the Ahmaud Arbery and Kyle Rittenhouse trials have you on edge. Call in sick for the next week so you can watch every second, and when you’re not doing that, go fill up a few gas cans and fill them. You never know when there might be some national post-trial rioting in which you’d like to participate.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your efforts to undermine the Morgan Wallen show by starting internet rumors about overcrowding and poor parking failed. Being an evil supergenius isn’t as easy as it seems. But now you set your sights on Kenny G’s upcoming appearance at the Saenger Theatre. Since overcrowding and parking can’t be an issue you resort to the ruthless measure of sending a Kenny G song out to the masses. Brutal.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Jo Bonner’s appointment as president of the University of South Alabama has inspired you. No longer will you let your lack of a higher degree stop you from doing a job you’d like. It won’t be long before you’re known as the only colorectal surgeon in Alabama without a college degree!
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In a whirlwind of margaritas on a tipsy Taco Tuesday, you find yourself on FaceTime with a male friend from college who proceeds to send you video messages throughout the night of him doing pushups. Liquored up, you’ll misread his intentions and offer him advice for better form.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Looking for love, you’ll mail an application for an international mail-order bride. The U.S. Postal Service will hold on to your letter in the Birmingham terminal for three months before sending it overseas. Confused with the delays, you go ahead and mail out five more, triggering an ICE raid of your home.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Feeling a seasonal cold is beginning to threaten, you will purchase a small fortune of vitamins and over-the-counter cold and allergy medication. You’ll be motivated to throw the kitchen sink at this funk not because you’re worried it will slow you down; no, it is so you don’t risk passing it to your husband who will mope around for a week.
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