Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be excited when you spy camera crews filming Mobile’s newest tourist attraction, Gulf Coast Ducks. After a few minutes of discussion, you’ll discover the crew is from a new HBO reality show called “Duck Tales: Life in a Tourist Attraction.”
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Ever the thrill seeker, you’ll attempt to make news by base jumping from the top of the RSA Tower. Instead of accolades, local media will make you out to be a vigilante superhero called the “Flying Squirrel.” People in spandex tend to encourage such generalizations.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Celebrating your love of Mediterranean Sandwich Co., you’ll legally change your name to Chicken Shawarma Johnson. One day when you run for office, opponents will say you favor pita bread and rotisserie meats over your constituents and you won’t disagree.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll head to Orange Beach for family vacation this week. Leaving Mobile on Friday afternoon, you’ll spend hours in traffic on Highway 59 in Foley and blow your budget at the outlet mall and Krispy Kreme before you get to the hotel.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll wind up in the emergency room after a search for Pokemon characters leads you downtown. While attempting to trap Pikachu in front of the Exploreum, you’ll break an ankle on the roots of one of the city’s treacherous live oaks.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Your summertime famine will end at Mobile Baykeeper’s Bay Bites fundraiser. But a jury will have a hard time accepting your “temporary gluttony” defense as an excuse for why you stole Von’s food truck and parked it in your driveway.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Inspired by the upcoming 2016 Olympic Games, you’ll compete in this weekend’s Dauphin Street Vault. Your personal best of 5 feet, 4 inches will impress no one, but momma always said you set the bar too low.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Attempting to rectify a rotten egg odor caused by a chemical spill in Eight Mile, you decide to truly test the power of Febreze. While initial reaction will indeed go from “ew” to “ahh,” it turns out long-term exposure to Air Effects causes uncontrollable erections.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After an email from a local attorney alerts you to plans for civil unrest downtown, you’ll cancel your weekend plans in a knee-jerk reaction. Ultimately, you’ll feel a little silly when you realize Civil Unrest is the name of a ska band playing at Soul Kitchen.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Troubled by the amount of time local authorities spend policing social media, your concerns will be eased after those accused of posting unsavory content will be permitted to spearhead the robust and unbiased investigation into his or her own conduct.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After adapting to rolling power outages from what forecasters described as “very mild storms,” you and others will commit to living off the grid. Though electricity has its advantages, your camp of nomads will soon prefer the consistency of doing without.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll go a little overboard this weekend celebrating the recent reopening of The Haberdasher. You’ll have a blast at first, taking in the atmosphere of its new building, but there’s only so much gin, rosewater and preserved lemon a human body can take.