Leo (7/23-8/23) — You finally get home after spending seven grueling hours on the Bayway after a tractor-trailer jackknifes and blocks both westbound lanes. Gov. Robert Bentley will be stuck in a car with his adult children all day in the same accident. Bridge funding is a go.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You will relive your glory days at a children’s paintball party this weekend in Magnolia Springs. Donning camouflage from head to toe and using a custom paintball rifle, you’ll mow down the crying elementary schoolers and steal all their birthday cake.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be arrested by Fairhope police for slashing the tires of an SUV in the last good parking space at Mr. Gene’s Beans. To make matters worse you’ll be banned from the sweets shop and your Fairhope Float cravings will never be satisfied.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll launch a campaign to win the 2017 Nappies “Coolest E-Sho Neighborhood.” You’ll use social media to attack the Fruit and Nut District as a place where only fruits and nuts live. Sadly, you’ll still lose to a new luxury apartment development on Fly Creek.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Inspired by the city’s endorsement of passenger rail service, you hook up a small trailer to your riding mower and offer a route to New Orleans. While the rig can only carry a maximum of two people, they will arrive at their destination hours before Amtrak.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Your mockery of Fairhope’s adorableness hits a fever pitch when the mayoral election pits a horticulturalist against a boutique bookseller. Things will get a lot cuter once a cobbler is hired as comptroller and the City Council comprises the town quilting club.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Realizing you can have a career writing romance novels, you complete a rough draft of a tale of lust between a lonely housewife and her burly landscaper. “Rodrigo Digs Deep” won’t win any awards, but an adult production company will buy the film rights.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be hampered by a local politician who employs a team of hackers to sabotage the email servers at your place of business next week. After performing many hours of diagnostics, you’ll discover a virus has renamed all your files “jasper_was_here.JPEG.”
Aries (3/21-4/19) — AT&T will surprise you with a lawsuit over several “embellishments” you included in an insurance affidavit. While you knew the claim wasn’t 100 percent honest, you’ll still be caught off guard when the AT&T strike team breaches your apartment windows.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After emails from the DNC are leaked, a 71-cent donation you sent Hillary Clinton as a joke will leave you vulnerable to identity theft. Luckily your political outlook will have given you many chances to purchase LifeLock using the promo code “Rush.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll make contingency plans to leave town after that Daphne mayoral candidate who claimed he could teleport wins the popular vote. Before you finally pack up the house, the mayor-elect appears in your living room and convinces you to stay.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your poor eating habits and rotund physique will put you in a weird situation when you’re confused for a Pokemon character multiple times during a future event in downtown Mobile. Enjoy the attention for the first time in your life. It will do your body good.