Leo (7/23-8/22) — Manti Te’o was into fake significant others before it was cool. Remember that. If you want to jump on board with Te’o and … others in Mobile, just remember you’ll have the hipster response of “I did it before it was cool.” Do you really want to put up with that? The only thing worse than someone saying they knew about a band when they formed in a garage in Reykjavík, Iceland is someone saying they had a fake girlfriend or wife before you. Dr. Z wonders when Mayor Sam Jones going to start wearing ironic T-shirts and grow out a beard or handlebar moustache?
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — As Mobile is about to choose a new mayor, you are getting pretty sad. Most people want this thing to be done with, but for you, you’re going to miss the way Sandy Stimpson says “lumber” and “mayor.” You also miss Sam Jones’ Facebook updates and his culinary delights. You’ll even miss those Morgan Freeman sound alike voiceovers. Most of all you’ll miss Doris Brown’s stories about her and Elvis. Why can’t it always be election season in the city of Mobile?
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Danny Sheridan has spoken so the mayor has already basically been elected. The long shot Sandy Stimpson has improved since November 2012 when Sheridan said Sam Jones was a landslide favorite. Unfortunately for Sandy, Sheridan pulled out his crystal ball and deemed Jonesy (Sheridan’s pet name for Sam Jones) the winner again. It’s got you kind of bummed out because you like the democratic process, but now it feels pointless. Just for thrills, you’ll vote Aug. 27 anyway.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — It is in the final days before SEC football kicks off and you’ve already driven yourself insane waiting for the first snap. Frankly you can’t focus on anything else. While at work, you paint the clothed part of your body the colors of your favorite team. At work, you’ll listen to only your team’s band and/or fight song. Oddly enough when football starts, you’ll kind of be over the whole thing.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Now that the daily afternoon summer showers are officially here and will be for a while you really need to get cracking on creating that secret napping spot in your office. You know a spot in a cabinet or storage room where you can nap while it rains. Creating the perfect napping hole really does lead to productivity. Just remember to make sure it stays hidden or else you’ll be napping in the unemployment line … again.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You have decided the best way to determine which candidate gets your vote … a battle that’s “Iron Chef” meets the “Hunger Games.” What you would do is have the candidates battle for certain highly sought after ingredients — fish (plates), oranges from a grove, chicken, ice cream, etc. — and tools. Then once they’ve battled, they have to create the best dish possible. Whoever is still standing and makes the best culinary delight will win your vote. Now all you have to do is get Sam Jones, Sandy Stimpson and Doris Brown on board …
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Indeed your house is haunted, but enough about that. You’ll profit from a slightly illegal beating game with some friends regarding the upcoming city elections. It’s funny because most of your friends know way more about politics than you. Anyway, you’ll clean up by picking not only the winners of the races, but the percentage points as well. You should probably use your winnings for a new place or at least a house blessing from a priest.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You will pull a Weiner … an Anthony Weiner that is. You will accidentally send a “racy” photo online or in text to someone who was not supposed to get it. Not only that but your nickname for your boo will also be known — kissy kissy snufflekins. Frankly that’s more embarrassing than any of your naughty bits being partially shown. Your boo will not be pleased everyone knows their pet name either.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — The next few days will make you feel like you’re in the “Twilight Zone.” It won’t go so far as aliens coming to earth, but things will seem to be upended. You’ll exercise, eat healthy and not drink. Even weirder, your friends will respect your decision to hangout at your house watching Netflix shows. Soon you’ll realize that you’re not in the “Twilight Zone” but merely becoming an adult. How depressing.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ve been hanging out and drinking in the great outdoors lately and it’s finally going to catch up to you. While hanging out near a river, lake, creek or something, you’ll get really, really drunk, which is nothing new. However, mosquitos will be out and about and up your shorts. Prepare yourself for the most embarrassing itching situation one can possibly have.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You are on the cusp of something wonderful. It may be a good hair day or a good neck beard day. Then again it might be something seriously awesome like finding a forgotten Twinkie or a good roll around in the hay. Either way, something good will happen in the coming days that will put a smile on your face for at least a week. Also, it’s OK to hope you find a Twinkie instead of the other scenarios.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — Your mind is focused on Mercury going through your house, which means you’ve gotten the wrong kind of brownies again. Under the influence of chocolate, butter and other stuff, you think Mercury makes you less talkative, but actually it’s just the other stuff keeping you quiet. However, no one likes it when you get all weird about planets in houses and stuff. It’s just weird.