Hearing that Southern Fish & Oyster is closing its doors for good, you begin a multi-level marketing service on social media for fresh seafood. To make ends meet, you also offer customers Herbalife and LuLaRoe.
Misled by the event’s name, you and your buddy vape out your Chevy Impala on the way to Mobile Botanical Gardens’ annual Herb Day. You won’t find a lot of 420 friendlies, but you will learn what marjoram and hyssop are and how to use them in modern cuisine.
It may seem like a lot of work at the time, but go ahead and accept those extra shifts with gratitude. Imagine how many jars of Downy Unstopables you’ll be able to purchase with all that overtime money and ExtraBucks Rewards.
You’ll set off a “The War of the Worlds”-style public frenzy when you mistake the aircraft flying in the Gulf Coast Hot Air Balloon Festival for UFOs setting upon Baldwin County for the inevitable alien invasion of Earth. Things will eventually settle down, but the credibility of your subsequent Bigfoot sighting will be under scrutiny for some time.
Just because your finances are a little stretched doesn’t mean you can’t have a good time. Pro tip: Most Mexican restaurants offer half-off their May 5 margaritas on Seis de Mayo.
To avoid paying tolls on the future Mobile River Bridge, you’ll convince the state to adopt a fording policy for motor vehicles. The new law will allow motorists to attempt to cross the river by converting their vehicles into makeshift floating devices. It’ll go about how you’d expect.
In an effort to spice up entertainment downtown, you’ll convince city officials to create a so-called “Purge zone” where in honor of the movies, all activities will be legal for a 12-hour period once a month. It’ll really allow people to get their frustrations out and be nicer overall.
Call it a midlife crisis, I guess, but you’ll soon quit your job and invest in a downtown bar with batting cages. “Three Strikes and You’re Blackout” is a flop. Nobody appreciates a good pun in 2019.
The clown you hire for your 3-year-old’s birthday bash next Saturday will show up to the public park drunk. The mistake could have been avoided if you had taken his billboard advertisement for “Boozo the Clown” more seriously.
You’ll throw out the first pitch at a BayBears game two Thursdays from now. I know you’re nervous about it and you should be. It’ll go horribly wrong and you’ll embarrass your family. Stay home sick that day.
You’ll run for Congress on a no-spoilers platform. Your candidacy will be all about making internet spoilers to popular TV shows punishable by life in prison. A segment of the Twittersphere will be among your more vocal supporters.
You’ll convince Mobile city officials to move offices out to Mardi Gras Park to avoid future rent payments to the county. The working al fresca idea will catch on in May, and you’ll be heralded as a hero, but you’ll be fired in August.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).