Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll claim Artwalk itself is a performance art. You’ll adapt it into an off-Broadway musical that will be highly anticipated, but ultimately received with tepid reviews. You are, however, a champ in the Alley.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Thanks to Minzy’s ankle injury, you’ll be asked to perform as a stand-in for 2NE1’s reunion tour. After nailing the “I Am the Best” choreography, you’ll overstay your welcome by introducing your debut single, “Give me the Spicy Peppers.” You’ll excel at the Leopard.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — In pursuit of science, you’ll begin a painstaking door-to-door census of red snapper in the Gulf. Several trillion federal dollars later and with the ability to free dive for two days on a single breath, the answer will be clear: tree fiddy. Go home, grab your partner and be a Narcissus.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll improvise a Mobile Mystery Dinner of your own after guests turn on each other following the mysterious disappearance of a bay leaf from a pot of gumbo. Spoiler alert: the damn dog ate it. Relax; while the NBA finals are boring, have Ice Cream.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be one of the first in line to try the “Rolling Thunder” roller coaster at OWA in Foley. There will be a rain delay. Consider you and them and the Basset Hound.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be tossed out of Toastmasters for plagiarizing a Trump speech. It’s not the plagiarism that broke the rules, it was just nonsensical and uninspiring. Find your balance with the help of a Staff.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — In your latest get-rich-quick scheme, you’ll turn free, alternative newspapers into fashionable umbrellas available for only $9.99 at the Urban Emporium. Reality check: They are not waterproof. Float like a Butterfly.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — After a casual trip to downtown Fairhope, you’ll bemoan the lack of an artisanal cinnamon boutique. Your brunch guests will not soon forgive your French toast faux pax — “psst … it was powdered with … McCormick.” You know what’s a beautiful instrument? The Harp.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll offer the slowest dragon boat team a chance to redeem themselves by paddling inflatables across a pond full of alligators. Afterward, you’ll voluntarily resign from the board of a nonprofit. Resign yourself to the Anvil.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After a pleasant experience at a local establishment, you’ll vote aggressively for them in the Nappie Awards. But your support does not end there. It ends on your end, where you’ll get a tattoo of their logo. Talk to a Nun.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll lobby the Legislature to extend the Historic Rehabilitation Development Tax Credit program to your fishing camp. You’ll argue it was originally constructed by a family of beavers in 1884. Coil up in the Yin-Yang.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll talk like Matthew McConaughey while you sample beers from Oasis Texas Brewing Co. You’ll be interrogated after saying something uncomfortable about high school girls. No one ever said you were a Hero.