Virgo (8/23-9/22) — College football is here and you’ll transform into a monster devouring chicken wings, pizza, beer and trash talk. You don’t so much insult people, but you do eat so much food and drink so much alcohol that you invariably end up sleeping in your friends’ bathrooms.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A most terrible fate will fall upon you as the Senate runoff nears — Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” will get stuck in your head for a minimum of three days. A lobotomy will not only cure you of the awful tune, but also of politics altogether.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Kids are back in school and that means a few things for you. First, you can go outside without pants on between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. and second, you can openly curse in the grocery store. Finally Greer’s will know your true feelings about Pink Lady apples.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After reading about the latest disputes between Fairhope’s mayor and city council, you’ll set a new professional goal to be referred to as a “dang hack” in print. Also, if you’re ever quoted by a reporter, be sure to use the phrase “whoever smelt it, dealt it.”
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After watching a particularly emotional episode of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air,” you’ll feel extra sensitive. Later, when you hear Everclear’s “Father of Mine” you’ll begin to sob uncontrollably. Your dad will ask what the hell is wrong with you.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll prepare for Hurricane Irma by loosening the nails in your rafters and cutting halfway through all the trees in your yard. You’ve studied insurance fraud enough to avoid common pitfalls, and determined this is the most foolproof way to get that dream house you’ve always wanted.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll welcome the Oklahoma State Cowboys to Mobile by wearing a Stetson hat and denying civil rights to same-sex couples. Often under the radar as the most regressive state in the nation, The Sooner State is also notable for frequent tornadoes and roads that seemingly never end.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You’re on the fence about Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ announcement regarding the end of DACA protections for so-called “dreamers.” On the one hand, you support dreams. On the other hand, you’ve sort of wanted to be deported to Mexico yourself.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll cowboy up with a few stiff drinks and hop on an angry bovine at the Flora-Bama’s “Bulls on the Beach” rodeo this weekend. The resulting scar will complement that of the shark bite you survived in the South Pacific, as well as the bullet that grazed you from an outlaw’s gun.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be embarrassed when South Alabama’s “clear-bag policy” exposes the foil-wrapped hot dogs you’ve been smuggling into Ladd Stadium. Security will have you leave them at the gate, but the condiments in your body cavities will pass without suspicion.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — You’ll celebrate the news of Prince William and Kate’s forthcoming third child by texting them a sarcastic “thumbs up” and “winking” emojis. Interestingly, those will be the same expressions your uncle will offer to welcome the news of your first child.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll fire off a letter to one in 10 Wisconsin residents asking them to participate in survey attempting to determine “How much cheese is too much cheese?” Your answer will appear months later in the form of another question, “How exactly does one define ‘cheese?’”