Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In an attempt to show you’re more patriotic than anyone else who doesn’t own a “Make America Great Again” cap, you commandeer one of the Blue Angels’ jets to skywrite the lyrics to the National Anthem. When you fail to master the precision flight controls, you settle for drawing a giant phallus instead.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll swiftly be evicted from your apartment when the landlord realizes you tried to pay your rent using Monopoly money. For some reason he won’t believe your explanation of a need for a new glasses prescription. Looks like you’re headed for Baltic Avenue.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be in absolute despair over the comic amount of termites swarming around a Midtown Mobile neighbor’s porchlight. Unlike a rational human being, you’ll solve the problem by breaking the light with a decorative rock. Subtlety was never your strong suit.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Tired of the typical burgers/hotdogs/barbecue grind, you prepare your Big Green Egg for its first emu smoking. With the whole neighborhood raving about your exotic poultry, you open the first of what will become thousands of Emu-fil-A restaurants nationwide.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After you’re refused a plastic straw from a local restaurant, you’ll light them up on Yelp for the mistake. There’s a certain level of gravitas that comes with sipping your full-grown beverage through an instrument made with cheap non-biodegradable materials. Paper just can’t replace that.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — As more and more restaurants turn to cilantro to flavor dishes with Bobby Flay-like glee, you’ll turn to the comforts of home when it comes to the perfect culinary experience. That way you can cut out the middleman and add soap directly to your meals. Try Irish Spring! It’s spicy.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — There’s nothing like a long weekend to really reevaluate your stagnating career and many other bad choices you’ve made in life. Come Tuesday, you’ll drop all of your priorities and pursue a future as a Times Square cosplayer.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — With nothing to do on Sunday night now that “Game of Thrones” has concluded, you begin to work on your own epic fantasy novel. It won’t have the same compelling plotlines and high production value, but your “Song of Smoke and Condensation” will be adapted for a Lifetime Original screenplay.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Walking along Water Street over the weekend, a lost-looking stranger will ask you: “What’s the best way to get to the GulfQuest Maritime Museum?” As an out-of-towner, he won’t recognize your resolute “no” to be the helpful response that it is.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — The smell of slow-cooking ribs will attract the attention of a nosy neighbor. Unwilling to share the smoked treats with a man who still has your leaf blower, you’ll claim they’re for the dog. After he calls your bluff, the dog will enjoy a better Memorial Day than he deserves.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In protest of the growing size of beach towels, you’ll start refusing to use anything but washcloths at outdoor activities. You’ll still be able to dry off well enough, but the new setup will make picnics quite the challenge.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After enjoying the long weekend, your internal clock will be significantly thrown off next week. It turns out the egregious error of accidentally brunching on Monday is enough to get someone banished from the Spring Hill community.
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