Aries (3/21-4/19) — Your airbrushed T-shirt asking “Where da weed at?” will come back to haunt you after your mugshot becomes one of the more popular posts on the Bay County Sheriff’s Facebook page.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In an attempt to avoid a strict alcohol ban on the beach, you’ll fill a water bottle with what you think is rubbing alcohol. You’ll soon discover the beverage is peroxide. You’ll spend spring break in the hospital.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — With no break from your kids for a week, you’ll spend more and more time at the office. You’ll spend so much time in that fluorescent sarcophagus, you’ll actually get a raise from your very-pleased boss.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Blindingly pale from a winter spent indoors, you’ll get a spray tan before your first visit to the beach. While it looks natural in the sunlight, under a fluorescent bulb you’ll appear a shade somewhere between carrot and yam.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Neighbors will send a formal complaint to your HOA after you spend the day cooling off in a kiddie pool in your front yard. Troublingly, the board will fine you for improperly housing livestock.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — In an attempt to curb Alabama’s nation-leading legacy of deadly police pursuits, you’ll propose legislation to make all vehicles bumper cars by 2030. Bonus: The state will become the Mario Kart capital of the world.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Don’t sit on the sidelines of the next Senate election — Tommy Tuberville has a game plan. And while you think you may punt until 2024, go ahead and throw a Hail Mary at the ballot box before Doug Jones and Bradley Byrne run interference.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After you hear of city plans to sell property next to your house, you’ll declare your homestead a sovereign nation and attempt to take the other property by force. The plan will spark an international crisis.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll be banned from speaking in front of the Mobile City Council after trying several times to perform pretty mediocre magic tricks in front of the representatives.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Due to a misunderstanding, you’ll show up to a local raptor presentation in a retro Jurassic Park shirt. You’ll be sad to find out that “raptor” in this scenario means a bird.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In the spirit of spring break, you’ll drive a small motorized scooter while incredibly intoxicated and yell at high school girls near Alvin’s Island. Unfortunately, their dads will have scooters as well.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Your long-winded posts about an alleged conspiracy involving Bo Obama will derail your brother’s congressional campaign. Tragically, with his loss, Americans will never know the truth. #BoKnows
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