Gemini (5/21-6/21) — With the primary election in your rearview mirror, you briefly celebrate before you are bombarded with another 153 days of pandering political ads before the general election. You will row, row, row your dragon boat to the center of the aisle.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In an experiment of will and endurance, you will attempt to get out of bed by 6 a.m. every day for two weeks. Each day, you will rise, use the bathroom and return to sleep. You will row, row, row your dragon boat to some late night Netflix.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Always a skeptic, you can’t decide whether the battle between Fairhope’s mayor and police chief is legitimate or just more political theater. You will row, row, row your dragon boat away from the court of public opinion.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In an attempt to relive your glory days, you’ll mount a saddle on a goat and ride to the Judge Roy Bean Saloon reunion. No one has ever been charged with DUI on a goat, until now. You’ll row, row, row your dragon boat to a criminal law attorney.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by author Watt Key’s latest thriller, you’ll pen a masterful tome about the struggles of a man who became trapped on the toilet for three and a half days. You’ll row, row, row your dragon boat to The New York Times’ worst sellers list.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Lacking a great deal of sportsmanship, you’ll attempt to win the Fuse Project’s Dragon Boat Races by mounting a trolling motor on the bow. You’ll row, row, row your dragon boat to automatic disqualification.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Seeing a glimmer of hope in public education after reading a story about Alabama’ first charter school, you’ll withdraw your financial support from Newton’s Secular School for Science and Mathematics. You’ll row, row, row your dragon boat to one of Betsy DeVos’ mansions.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — With all your newly acquired dragon boat seamanship, you’ll commandeer the Niña and the Pinta from LuLu’s this weekend and establish the Royal Alabama Navy. You’ll row, row, row your dragon boat to the second Civil War.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Speaking of the Civil War, you’ll note how striking a resemblance the new Confederate statue in Spanish Fort bears to Colonel Sanders. A little bit hangry, you’ll row, row, row your dragon boat to the KFC drive-thru.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Speaking of racial divisiveness, you’ll notice former State Rep. Joseph Mitchell wrote a letter to the editor published in Lagniappe this week. You’ll row, row, row your dragon boat back to that time he sent “the email heard ‘round the state.”
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Celebrating The Ruby Slipper Café’s opening in downtown Mobile, you’ll reserve a table for an entire day and order one of everything on the menu. You’ll row, row, row your dragon boat to gastrointestinal hemorrhaging.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After the trash sits uncollected on your curb for the fourth week in a row, you’ll lose faith in the public works department and begin recycling in earnest. You’ll row, row, row your dragon boat in a pristine and plastics-free ocean.